It's funny how you have so many days where you really don't do anything. You wake up late in the afternoon and just lay in bed doing nothing, just laying there drifting in and out of sleep until you get thirsty or hungry enough (or you have to pee) that you get out of bed. Then you lay on the couch and do nothing, maybe eat, maybe watch a movie and then the sky gets darker and you continue to waste your day....until you eventually fall asleep...to possibly wake the next morning/afternoon and do the same ritual once again. It's funny how I have spent countless days doing just that, nothing and now time is winning something.... my grandmother. It's so weird how she was fine at Christmas, giggling, smiling, giving hugs and telling us that she is sorry she didn't have enough time to get around to making us our christmas presents this year but she will have them for sure next year. Everyone was a little scared but I know I felt like she would be fine. She isn't fine.
It's just an odd feeling knowing that we are all just waiting..... checking our phones for missed calls and e-mails for news. Gas is so expensive it's hard for everyone to always be there with her. My mother is there with her now, I am helping my mom with kids until everything settles down. I am just so in love with my grandmother it literally hurts me. My heart aches...I don't cry as much as I thought that I would and when I do cry I never expect it. Jason has been such a rock for me through this time... he takes such great care of me and helps me with anything he can. Pluss i'm a bit extra emotional with everything going on so I feel so bad for him at times. I'm just not ready. What will I do without my grandmother? Without the person that I owe my creativity to, the person that taut me to crochett, the person that has always been there for anyone that needed help. What will I do? It just doesn't feel right or natural. It feels stolen.
Grandma will be with Jesus though, she won't hurt anymore....I just hate that I know in my heart that she isn't ready to go yet....her heart and mind is still fighting but her body has given up. It's a matter of time...
My daddy came to see me this past weekend. It's so weird to see him so worn down. When you see people a lot you don't notice them age or anything but I haven't seen him in a while and he looks so tired. He has bad skin cancer and a mouth condition. He got dentures when I was about 12 or 13-ish and they didn't fit right so they wore the pallet of his mouth down to about as thick as a piece of paper. He has to has a major surgery to correct it and do bone graphs but they can't do that until he stops smoking for about 6 months, which he hasn't done and it's been at least 6 to 8 months since he found out. And I found out today that he has been diagnosed with emphysema .... which is chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), formerly termed a chronic obstructive lung disease (COLD). It is often caused by exposure to toxic chemicals or long-term exposure to tobacco smoke. I told my dad that I smoke for the first time and that if he would stop so would I. If he doesn't stop he is gonna die eventually and that isn't something I am prepared to go through. I need my dad. Not sure he will though since he hasn't stoped so he can have his mouth surgery yet. I guess I don't understand why someone wouldn't try to save themselves if they had the choice. Grandma Jane didn't have a choice. She never smoked, drank or did drugs and she contracted cancer in her lungs, liver and collin...my Dad can get better and save himself yet he doesn't seem to be trying. It's so difficult to not get angry at.....So hard to keep it together.
I am in love with my familly.....please pray for them with me.