Sooooo yea.....this was the last night tay and I hung out at my place....and these pictures are from the attack of the popsickle stick.....very scary!



and here are a few images from his going away party I threw him at the woof....it was fun...had a scrapbook table set up and everyone made him a page...very sweet


Here is the gang.....I can't believe how much I miss my nay

I hate it when I try and accomplish nothing.
I hate when someone I trust lets me fall.
I hate being missunderstood
I hate losing a "battle"
Right this moment....I guess I am just angry. I am sitting here in the dark of my own living room typing and all I can think about is a few things that have been seperatley bothering me that seem to have ganged up together today. I am not liked by someone that never even gave me a real chance to show them who I was. The fact that my best friend is thousands of miles away just hit me, I have once again slept half of my day away, I work at the same dead end job that I have for almost 4 years, I'm not in college.....I could go on forever. These are little things that always bother me but they usually choose to do so seperatley...not today.
People usually love me....but not this one. No matter what I do this he/she will never like me, but I feel the need to change his/her mind even though the damage is done and I know they will never trust that I am a good person. That eats at me the most....because I can fly to San Francisco to see my best friend, I can go back to college and I can get a better job, but I can't make someone like me. I guess I am at a loss....... don't know what to say .......... its a dull dark day outside so maybe that's why I am feeling so gloomy.

I have been missing theatre so much latley....I realize that working night shifts is the reason that I can't be in theatre, but tonight it really hit me. I was looking at Kelly Mcfarren's facebook page and realized that she is still doing live theatre....it made my stumach drop. If any of you haven't ever been in a life production let me be the first to tell you that there is not another feeling in the world. When you walk out on that stage, the energy that you feel, the adrenaline that rushes through you, the instant love that you can literally feel.....nothing can replace that feeling, and now I fear that I may never feel it again. I just felt like telling someone about my loss....I have lost my first love.

So here I am in Midland Texas.....Jason and I drove up last night and hung o ut at the woof for about 2 hours and then headed back here to the hotel. I get to eat at the Cracker Barrel which, if you know me, you know how excited I am about them chicken and dumplins! It's gonna be a long weekend.....not sure it will end up being the "small vacation" we were hoping for, but it is a change of scenery.
So last night Jason and I got really deep into a conversation....he is the only person that has ever called me out on so much and made ME realize that HE was 100% correct. He knows how I think of myself, the way that I present myself to other people, and the way that I "down" myself so I don't have to deal with the pressures of not doing what I love. He said that he knows that I think I am the best at everything I do....he said that he knows I don't think of myself as an ok actress, that deep down inside I know I am the best....and he said that stands true for modeling, writing, singing, dancing, sewing, bartending....everything I do. And I hadn't really ever thought about it....he's right. I kinda copp out a little so I don't feel so bad about not doing it to the max and I need to stop it. I want to do something all the way....Then our conversation switched to the painting my daddy did for me on christmas....I hadn't put any thought into it but he made me think for a good 30 minutes, because he wouldn't tell me- he wanted ME to figure it out, which I eventually did. He said that my dad is way to smart to just paint something like that...there is a hidden meaning to it...its a wall with jagged stairs leading to a bright turquise door. And he painted my name on the bottom...which now thinking about it does give off the hidden message vibe. So now I get it...there are so many stairs ahead of me in my life that I have to climb to get to the place I really want to be....then he asked me where I was on the stairs and I'm not that far....I'm going to go for it...I have no idea how or where or anything but I want it...I can feel it...It's like last week at Tay's parents house....I was sitting there talking to his mother for the first time in my life and was having a great time so I showed her my book....which she looked at and then said, "Have you sent this to anyone?" in which case I said no and she said,"why not?!?!" and I think I changed the subject. But I really thought about that a lot....I've really thought about it every day since then really....because why haven't I? There is no reason in the entire world that I shouldnt have started but I haven't. I've been settling and that's not for me. I've never gotten to know Mo but I have always respected the way she just says what is on her mind and now she has called me out and with the help of Jason I have finally realized that I can't sit on my butt anymore and hope the world comes to me, because it wont. I know that I will hear at least 100 no's before I hear a yes so why not start getting some of those no's out of the way....won't kill me....

It's about 7 minutes till 2pm and Ive just gotten out of bed....seems like I have been sleeping my life away. Jason and I worked at Woofers from 2am monday night until 6pm yesterday afternoon cleaning with Jerry and that after my bartending shift from 9pm to 2am monday night. I just wish that I had the option of having a normal life and schedule...I wish that I got up at 9am and took Febe for walks and could go to the library and things like that...painting....but I am lucky if I make it to the bank before it closes. I have my hours ad days flip-flopped, but I work at night so what can ya do? Maybe one day I will be able to have a normal life. I just cant help but be a little upset that I miss out on things.
Oh my goodness if it isn't freezing cold! Yikes! I hear that it may snow tomorrow.....and snow makes me think of Tay and then I get all sad. Taylor moved to San Francisco last thursday for school which is an amazing thing for him and I couldn't be happier for him. BUT he is my right hand man....I find myself a little lost without him. I really want to go and visit him but can't now. lol he has almost been gone a week.....seperation anxiety. I really never knew what a best friend was until he became such a part of my life. Taylor showed me that it was ok to smile my weird natural gummy smile and dance how I felt like dancing and to laugh even if nobody else in the entire building thought a joke was funny. He really brings out the person inside of me that I am afriad to really be.....me. I guess even though I am 23 that this is part of growing up....I know I still have a lot of that do do so one step at a time so I dont fall face over heels. I know that I love life more because God loved me enough to give me such an amazing best friend. BUT I will eventually get my bum bum up there to see him and then I will go through withdraws all over again blah blah blah...Jason and I are doing well....as always...I am begining to think that we can't not get along....another good thing in my life. He is just always there for me and with me and thats a really nice thing....He is sleeping....when that man goes to sleep he sleeps! We did stay up forever though, but I want to make it to the bank and get some KFC so I got myself out of bed! He can sleep though, he did a lot more manuall labor than I did, all my work was just very tedious. We head out for Midland Texas either today or tomorrow, guessing tomorrow since its after 2pm and we don't have any clothes clean...I'm tempted to take them all to the cleaners since he is asleep....I always suggest taking them there but he wont have it...our washer and dryer at the house holds like 5 things at a time and takees forever! Yes I think thats what I will do...hehehe
Alicia and Brad are leaving in 11 days now...that will hit me hard. I love her so much....everything is changing a lot latley.....I hope that I will be able to visit her in CT. She is also one of my best friends. I miss my family....Veronica left me a message on myspace telling me she misses me and that made me feel so bad. I was just telling Jason the other day how I would like to take my next 3 days that I get off and just hang out with family. My parents and brothers and sisters, meme, karen and the girls, visit grandma and grandpa stahlscmidt. I just really miss them a a lot and feel kinda crummy that I live so close again and never see them. I actually think that I may have seen more of them while living in San Marcos! DUMB!
Ok so I wish I had something interesting to talk about, but I don't. My life kinda just blends together...it's a vanilla life right now but I long for rainbow sherbert.

Heath Ledger died yesterday at the age of 28 =0(

A lot has happened....haven't been writing.
Holidays, surprises, people moving and coming back.....
I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be writing again....so start checking.
I have to get ready for work now, but maybe I will write more when I get home at 4 in the morning. lol
xoxoxox
jes