So here I am in Midland Texas.....Jason and I drove up last night and hung o ut at the woof for about 2 hours and then headed back here to the hotel. I get to eat at the Cracker Barrel which, if you know me, you know how excited I am about them chicken and dumplins! It's gonna be a long weekend.....not sure it will end up being the "small vacation" we were hoping for, but it is a change of scenery.
So last night Jason and I got really deep into a conversation....he is the only person that has ever called me out on so much and made ME realize that HE was 100% correct. He knows how I think of myself, the way that I present myself to other people, and the way that I "down" myself so I don't have to deal with the pressures of not doing what I love. He said that he knows that I think I am the best at everything I do....he said that he knows I don't think of myself as an ok actress, that deep down inside I know I am the best....and he said that stands true for modeling, writing, singing, dancing, sewing, bartending....everything I do. And I hadn't really ever thought about it....he's right. I kinda copp out a little so I don't feel so bad about not doing it to the max and I need to stop it. I want to do something all the way....Then our conversation switched to the painting my daddy did for me on christmas....I hadn't put any thought into it but he made me think for a good 30 minutes, because he wouldn't tell me- he wanted ME to figure it out, which I eventually did. He said that my dad is way to smart to just paint something like that...there is a hidden meaning to it...its a wall with jagged stairs leading to a bright turquise door. And he painted my name on the bottom...which now thinking about it does give off the hidden message vibe. So now I get it...there are so many stairs ahead of me in my life that I have to climb to get to the place I really want to be....then he asked me where I was on the stairs and I'm not that far....I'm going to go for it...I have no idea how or where or anything but I want it...I can feel it...It's like last week at Tay's parents house....I was sitting there talking to his mother for the first time in my life and was having a great time so I showed her my book....which she looked at and then said, "Have you sent this to anyone?" in which case I said no and she said,"why not?!?!" and I think I changed the subject. But I really thought about that a lot....I've really thought about it every day since then really....because why haven't I? There is no reason in the entire world that I shouldnt have started but I haven't. I've been settling and that's not for me. I've never gotten to know Mo but I have always respected the way she just says what is on her mind and now she has called me out and with the help of Jason I have finally realized that I can't sit on my butt anymore and hope the world comes to me, because it wont. I know that I will hear at least 100 no's before I hear a yes so why not start getting some of those no's out of the way....won't kill me....