I'm sad.
I want to go and see Nay... laugh and cry and just be. I really shouldn't have eaten my veggies when I was little.... mom was right, you will grow up. And sometimes I still feel like a scared little girl hiding in the closet watching the rest of the world living safe from my little crack in the door. Sometimes I want my mommy to come in and rub my back and make everything better.
Something is missing and I dont know what it is. But I'm not happy and I just want to smile..

scarcely moved from the spot Ive been sitting in, for going on 8 hours now ...

once, I was sitting here contemplating the sounds

now, I contemplate the lack there of



when the music stops playing

my mind stops reeling

or maybe it reels on so quickly that I cant interpret a single thought



I am as still

as I ought to be

in times like these



I peer down the alley way

a man half buried in our dumpster

frantically pulling at left-overs, long rotten, long sour

and I am long gone, long, long, long, gone



I see it every day

but now when he is so close

I am so affected

and I am so affected

that wouldnt you know, I go numb

and I feel nothing



I just exist

and the idea of existing ... where I swore I was hungry

and this man is devouring my left-overs ...



to exist in that ... would kill me

if this disassociation hadnt already done so



someone is laying on their horn outside my window

and yet, I am able to muffle it

and no, Ive never an idea of how or why

I dont laugh or cry

when just last night

was I not, but a child again?



carrying on and on about departure



carrying on and on about that insatiable hunger within



and you were right to say we will change with the mornings



and you were right that impermanence suits life best



and I was right to hold on so gravely

because with morning Id take all that love you gave me



and keep myself alive out here.