So things have been really scary and I am sure they will continue to be unknown and terrifyingly new but people have gone through worse before. This is a blessing in disguise and I need to stop freaking out, take a step backward and realize the blessings I actually have. The first one being Jason which I have taken advantage of in the past and don't plan on ever doing again. He does so much to show me how much he loves me and I never acknowledged the fact that I appriciated anything he did and I think that hurt him. I want to show him how much I love him everyday for the rest of my life.
This little baby inside of me honestly terrifies me more than anything I have ever faced before. It's a forever and I haven't dealt with many of those as of yet but I get the feeling that this one is gonna be a whammy. I know Im not ready but Jason says nobody ever is and he will be the best daddy in the whole world so I know I can do this if he is by my side. I feel so silly for being so blind... I didn't see him for what and who is was and now I see it with blinding clarity... he is my best friend, someone that will love me even when I royally F**k up, he knows all my silly little nuances... like eating ice cream in the bath and crying at commercials when the music is beautiful... he even knows my favorite pizza and it's not a normal kind.... he holds me all night and kisses my face in the mornings... he takes the puppies for walks when I should help but am too lazy.... something I need to work on..... he listens to me talk about my art projects even when I know he has no clue what I'm talking about, he eats my food when I cook and I know it can't be very good... he loves me. And it's not that silly love that I have had before... the kind of love that fills you up for a while but leaves you so empty and alone that it hurts your very soul... he really loves me... everything about me... he even loves all of my bad qualities... that I am a habitually messy person... very obsessive compulsive whenever it strikes me and he never knows exactly when that will be... he knows that I battle compulsive lying and yet he believes in me..... his love is the kind of love that is always there.. all day and all night and forever... the kind of love that you envy when you watch the notebook... I actually found it and I almost ruined it... I tried pretty damn hard to ruin it really... but never again. Jason deserves me to be the person I know I am and thats what I plan to do for him... I am going to be his wife and a mother and my life will be filled with laughs and smiles and tears and sleepless nights and memories... and it's going to be gorgeous... I just really pray for God to watch me along the way... please watch me. Don't let me lose this.... I want this more than anything... Please.