I hate feeling like I'm handcuffed and falling deeper and deeper towards the bottom of a pool... I don't want to stop fighting the water that wants to flood into my dry lungs but eventually I let it and I don't resist the movement of the water anymore... I move with it. I'm the same temperature as the water and the same color as the water.. It's made me something Im not, dead. I fight for things and love more than anything and want nothing but good things for people.... I want to be trully happy and I don't think thats going to happen. I can get pretty close but I am coming to realize that no matter how many promises someone makes you and how many times they look you in the eyes and tell you they understand what your talking about... they will let me down. In the end it's only me. Now me and my baby and I have to decide if I'm going to give up and move with the water or if I wont settle and keep fighting but ruin all of the good things I do have in the process. Really, in the end I lose both ways... really I've already lost and I haven't let it sink in all the way yet. I know I am pregnant but all of this can't be just hormones. Some of it-sure- but not all of it. I don't want to end up unhappy and alone because I wouldn't settle... but I hate having to chose between the two. Im screwed. The sad part is that I have been trying so hard to do everything I can to show how much I want everything to be ok. EVERYTHING. I don't know how much longer I can without exploding... My baby will be happy and taken care of. Life isn't about me anymore... I can't be selfish anymore... but some people don't see their life that way. I could just scream... but I will just cry myself to sleep... I just want what I can't have. haha funny how karma can wait so long to come creeping up on you to pay you back for a life of small infringments.