Jane Stahlschmidt passed into eternal life at 12:03 AM, 5-29-08. Her final minutes were peaceful. The pastor was here, as well as Ed, Dale (sister), and Sara (daughter).
That was just in my in-box. It made it very real to me that she is gone.... seeing her name in the in-box just sitting there looking at me....me knowing it wasn't my grandmother that wrote that e-mail and knowing that this will be the last time I see that name there.
I don't really know what to do right now so I'm writing....writing doesn't hurt as bad as talking...I just don't think it's fair...but then i'm happy for her at the same time. She was hurting. Now she's not. And I guess it's normal to feel all the regrets once someone passes away... the "I should have spent more time with her" and "I should have written more" all of those thoughts that haunt your brain. It's all normal...If anyone goes to heaven she did, that woman made me a better person, everyone she met she made a better person.
It hurts right from the middle of my neck to the bottom of my rib cage....an aching.

It's funny how you have so many days where you really don't do anything. You wake up late in the afternoon and just lay in bed doing nothing, just laying there drifting in and out of sleep until you get thirsty or hungry enough (or you have to pee) that you get out of bed. Then you lay on the couch and do nothing, maybe eat, maybe watch a movie and then the sky gets darker and you continue to waste your day....until you eventually fall asleep...to possibly wake the next morning/afternoon and do the same ritual once again. It's funny how I have spent countless days doing just that, nothing and now time is winning something.... my grandmother. It's so weird how she was fine at Christmas, giggling, smiling, giving hugs and telling us that she is sorry she didn't have enough time to get around to making us our christmas presents this year but she will have them for sure next year. Everyone was a little scared but I know I felt like she would be fine. She isn't fine.
It's just an odd feeling knowing that we are all just waiting..... checking our phones for missed calls and e-mails for news. Gas is so expensive it's hard for everyone to always be there with her. My mother is there with her now, I am helping my mom with kids until everything settles down. I am just so in love with my grandmother it literally hurts me. My heart aches...I don't cry as much as I thought that I would and when I do cry I never expect it. Jason has been such a rock for me through this time... he takes such great care of me and helps me with anything he can. Pluss i'm a bit extra emotional with everything going on so I feel so bad for him at times. I'm just not ready. What will I do without my grandmother? Without the person that I owe my creativity to, the person that taut me to crochett, the person that has always been there for anyone that needed help. What will I do? It just doesn't feel right or natural. It feels stolen.
Grandma will be with Jesus though, she won't hurt anymore....I just hate that I know in my heart that she isn't ready to go yet....her heart and mind is still fighting but her body has given up. It's a matter of time...
My daddy came to see me this past weekend. It's so weird to see him so worn down. When you see people a lot you don't notice them age or anything but I haven't seen him in a while and he looks so tired. He has bad skin cancer and a mouth condition. He got dentures when I was about 12 or 13-ish and they didn't fit right so they wore the pallet of his mouth down to about as thick as a piece of paper. He has to has a major surgery to correct it and do bone graphs but they can't do that until he stops smoking for about 6 months, which he hasn't done and it's been at least 6 to 8 months since he found out. And I found out today that he has been diagnosed with emphysema .... which is chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), formerly termed a chronic obstructive lung disease (COLD). It is often caused by exposure to toxic chemicals or long-term exposure to tobacco smoke. I told my dad that I smoke for the first time and that if he would stop so would I. If he doesn't stop he is gonna die eventually and that isn't something I am prepared to go through. I need my dad. Not sure he will though since he hasn't stoped so he can have his mouth surgery yet. I guess I don't understand why someone wouldn't try to save themselves if they had the choice. Grandma Jane didn't have a choice. She never smoked, drank or did drugs and she contracted cancer in her lungs, liver and collin...my Dad can get better and save himself yet he doesn't seem to be trying. It's so difficult to not get angry at.....So hard to keep it together.
I am in love with my familly.....please pray for them with me.

I saw her last week, on a Wednesday. The day of the horrible storms in Brady and Eden, which were very fitting for a setting that day. I planned on leaving early that day to go and see her but before I left I got a phone call from my mother telling me that We HAD TO COME SEE HER that day, which is never something you want to hear from a parent. My grandmother Jane Stahlschmidt probably won't be with us much longer unless the lord decides to save her. Hospice was called in on Thursday, they stoped hydrating her and I guess that means we are just playing the waiting game. It seems so unfair to me though, I know she isn't ready to go yet. I know she is fighting as much as she can in her "state". I guess they have her on so many pills and drops that she is never fully in reality of what's going on. As far as I know she doesn't even know that she is passing, which I don't think is fair but who am I to pass judgment on that. I haven't ever been in that position yet, but I know that if I was passing I would want to know and I wouldn't want to be on anything for at least a day so I could talk to my family. It seems so unfair to keep her so druged up if she is going to pass. I think God should give her just 2 days of something normal. My grandmother loves to write and catalogue things. She should have two days to write everything that she always thought she would be able to write.... letters to her children and future childrens children. The one thing harder than losing a grandmother is watching a mother lose her mother, and I have been watching my mom lose hers.
My grandfather doesn't really act like anything is wrong, not sure if he knows exactly what's going on.... he walks around the house and tells jokes and shows my mom pictures of cars when she tries to find out details about my grandmothers wishes. My Grandfather is angry, and frankly I can't really blame him because I am angry as well. My grandfather finally told my mother that Grandma want's to be burried in Texas so she can be close to her kids. Words escape me now, emotion is too strong, hearts are too full.... Im not ready to burry my grandmother who is only 62. Cancer is horrible.... Kemo is horrible, but God is good. God won't give her anything that he doesn't think she can't handle. So God must think my Grandmother is a really strong lady.
JANE AND EDGAR STAHLSCMIDT-SARAH KATHY JOANNE
SARAH/MIKE/DOUGE-Scott, Ben, Savanah, and the new baby that I can't remember her name now.
KATHY/RON/ERIC-Jessica, Alicia, Zachary, Rebecca, Veronica
JOANNE/ROBERT/SCOTT- Albert, Tonya, Robert, Amanda
From my Grandmother she brought 16 people into the world. 16 people with wonderful morals and great hearts. 16 people that will always remember our crochetted scarves and beanies we got every christmas, our hand made quilts grandma made us when we were babies. How she didn't ever forget a birthday. My grandmother is the rock of my family, she was the one constant through all the hurt we all went through. We knew that we could always go to her.
I remember once when I was a little kid, maybe 6, I was mad at my parents and I had packed my bags. I told my Dad that I was going to go live with Grandma stahlschmidt in Fredericksburg.... After he explained how long it would take me to get there on foot I changed my mind, but I always wanted to be with her and Papa. Every summer we would be there. One summer I had gotten a little mermaid doll and I was playing with her in the front row of church (grandma played piano in church for as long as I can remember) I got my doll taken away because she wasn't decent in church. lol just little things I remember. Her giggle.... man she has the cutest giggle.
I'm just hurting.... not ready to bury my grandmother but that seems to be the reality of what I'm facing. There just isn't ever enough time is there? You always think you have time, but really, time has you.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
I heard that song for the first time one summer while I was staying at Grandma Janes, I had gotten a tape from Chick Fil-A and it had that song along with a story. I don't remember the whole story but I do remember that the man that wrote that song had so much faith. His wife and 4 or 5 daughters had gone on a ship somewhere and the ship sunk, taking his while family down with it. He went on another ship to the spot where his family's ship had sunk and wrote that song. I can't imagine the faith he had, faith like my grandmothers. I can hardly imagine seeing the very spot that you lost your whole "life" and instead of getting angry and hating God, you give it to God and make peace with it. Thats the faith I want, I want it to be well with my soul. And if I am asked to sing at my grandmothers funeral, IF it happens that we have one, I am going to be singing that song.
Jes

So I get a voicemail from my mother, crying and needs me to call her back, which I do my best to do. I call anyone I know that would be able to get in touch with her but she isn't around. I try to do what I can to help in the situation but there really isnt much I can do. I find out that my little brother must think that I am the scum of the earth for whatever reason and is using that as a catalyst for my baby sister to not make bad choices, which always makes ya feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Granted, there was a point in time where I probably didn't make the best choices in the universe but I never did drugs or got pregnant.... and who likes having their past thrown at them- or better yet- thrown at their baby sister. So i'm pissed.
To be completely honest I think I am just angry in general most of the time. When things don't make sense I get so frustrated and angry I could just scream, and sometimes do. All I wanted to do last night was help, and I ended up feeling like a horrible example and the reason that my baby sister is being an idiot. Nice huh? So now I don't know what I will do with my day. I really should go and see my grandmother, this town has a way of sucking life out of people. Taking all of their energy and making them sleepy, depressed, and bitter.

Family, kinda like God I guess. They never really want you around unless they need something. Why would I ever want to have children of my own if this is the kind of insane thought process that is born with them? My little sisters and brother make me crazy and scared enough for a lifetime, do I really need to insure my fate with children of my own?
It sucks really....cause in the end all I really want is for them to make good choices and not do some of the things that I did while growing up. You can't tell them that though. Impossible really, they hear what they want and usually take that information and twist it around to use against you in some superficial argument. In the end, I still love them. Good/bad/retarded/talented/insane/aggrivating- all the different qualities they seem to let you catch a glimps of daily. They are all bi-polar. THE END

I guess I will be moving in August-ish? Not really sure when the exact date is cause.....well I never seem to have real details on anything. I hope to move asap though, I think Jason and I may both have to get 2 jobs for a while in order to do that though. It will be so nice to have my own bathtub lol, isn't it funny that's the one thing I am looking forward to the most? We don't have a bathtub here where we live in Angelo. Just a little shower so I really can't wait to take a bath every day. Also, the closet! I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE A REAL CLOSET! I have never had a real closet.....ever....the closest I had was at my first apartment in Angelo and it was so tiny. lol. I want shoe racks and boxes and everything! I am ready to make this change and make it right this time around.

Really haven't written much in a long time. Now that I am in San Angelo I don't usually have the need to keep everyone updated, as they are mostly stuck here with me. We have small reunions in Wal Mart, Hastings, and local bars.....like ya do. Its a small town. At the moment I am so incredibly driven it's insane. I just got back from L.A. and had an amazing trip, met ton's of super nice people and really got a lot of great additions and replacements for my book (portfolio). I am going to try and make a move to Austin anywhere from 2 weeks to a month-ish. San Angelo is a great place to grow up, but I don't want to be here anymore. It's killing every creative thought I have. I have more to give than this town has to offer, always have, always will. Austin will be a great catalyst for Jason and I to eventually make great choices career wise and hopefully end up doing what we love.