Really haven't written much in a long time. Now that I am in San Angelo I don't usually have the need to keep everyone updated, as they are mostly stuck here with me. We have small reunions in Wal Mart, Hastings, and local bars.....like ya do. Its a small town. At the moment I am so incredibly driven it's insane. I just got back from L.A. and had an amazing trip, met ton's of super nice people and really got a lot of great additions and replacements for my book (portfolio). I am going to try and make a move to Austin anywhere from 2 weeks to a month-ish. San Angelo is a great place to grow up, but I don't want to be here anymore. It's killing every creative thought I have. I have more to give than this town has to offer, always have, always will. Austin will be a great catalyst for Jason and I to eventually make great choices career wise and hopefully end up doing what we love.

Hello there, just thought I would write for a few minutes since I have so much on my mind. Things have been great and horrible at the same time.

Amazing
=====
1. Did amazing in a runway show for Rare magazine in Austin
2. Going to L.A. in 2 days for fun shoots
3. My one year anniversary is coming up on the 8th
4. I have an amazing idea for a great new online company
5. I got to go to a prom with Jason and had a super fun time

Horrible
=====
1. My grandmother is sick cancer
2. My father is sick with cancer
3. One of my best friend's has had a bad bout with luck latley and things aren't going well for him at the moment
4. I want to move out of this town
5. I'm nervous about L.A.
6. My car insurance is going up
7. I'm always tired but can't sleep
8. I just feel really over welmed

I know that everything will be ok, but I hate feeling helpless and vulnerable. I am ready to get something up and running-- sign with an agency or get my company started...OR BOTH! I need inspiration and there really isn't any in san angelo and I hate it so much. I am really looking forward to laying on the beach in all my glorious whiteness in Cali and just relaxing.... coated in a layer of SPF 3000 I will just let everything go.... I haven't ever seen the ocean so I am looking forward to it.
I'm also nervous about my shoots.... It's something I can't help really... I haven't ever met a photographer that hasn't liked me but I am always worried about it cause I really don't look like a model when you meet me. I look like a normal 17 year old girl until I get through hair and makeup and sit infront of that camera. I just have bad anxiety.
Work is still work, the same place it has been for the past 3 or 4 years, just a few new faces and rules. Crossin' my fingers that I will bank thursday and friday for L.A.
If anyone reads this please pray for my grandmother and my daddy. Also a little boy named Joshua who is 4 years old and has auto immune disease. I am blessed dailey to have my health...I should take better care of myself.
xoxox
jeska

I don't care anymore, this stupid ambition, this life
Why do I keep pushing, and recieving a lie

Ambitions are false and hopes just die
this po-dunk town this wednesday night

Greatness will never actually be acheived
regret will just eat at me

People feeling bigger than me
playing around with my emotion, screwing me

Take your oh so important life and hold it up to mine
But when you die, will you lay there more perfect than I?

Tired of this bullshit, tired of the games
stop putting me off and throwing head games

I can't keep guessing at what you want
foolish I feel with every second your decision took

Sitting here in my living room, just got off of work
My feet feel like rotting flesh, breath is coming short

Situations unavoidable, time repeats still
yet the years creep up slowly and time I can’t kill

People claim the future unpredictable and bright
yet clearly I can see my future on this Friday night

Beer bottle on the table, trash on T.V.
this town is slowly darker, reaping life, killing me

Money makes the world go round, and I spin too fast
should the future burn brighter than my weary past

so far one can fall before they bounce back
somehow I feel that bounce will hit me in the ass

candle burning faster at both of it’s ends
will they reach each other before I make a plan

too many ways to run, but nowhere to hide
vulnerable and scared sitting here tonight

this is not what I invisioned, this is not what I wished
so many things have happened since I’ve felt bliss

Please God show me a path
Please God help me shine

When I grow up I will be happy
I will know exactly what I am doing and wont make stupid mistakes.

When I grow up I will be in love....I will know it's love
When I grow up I will have success and a big house and a family and a nice car.
When I grow up little things wont bother me
When I grow up the skies will always be blue and I will never cry
I will know who my friends are and I wont have to guess

When I grow up I will be famous

I will sing and dance and paint and sew and draw and write and everyone will love it
When I grow up I wont have to worry

When I grow up it will be too late.....
everything I have done and everyone I have hurt will still be there
When I grow up my days will be boring and work never ending
Dreams will always be out of reach and talk will always be talk

When I grow up I will be bored and scared every day
When I grow up reality will sink in
When I grow up skies are gray and I will cry
When I grow up.........

I read this thing... with your name........ Tay... and my first reaction was to respond... I have no other reason other than the fact that all of these topics pertained to you and I in some way.... and you know me... I don't bite my tounge. I've never bitten it and won't now... I just had to say something!

Keep up the crazy, yall!

sing loud in public!
My favorite was singing as loud as we could and as awefull as I could late at night outside somewhere....especially at my apartment cause it really REALLY bothered my neighbore for some reason.

dance in the street!
Makes me think of your crazy tap dancing.....and our insane dancing at the woof.

order too much food!
But we always would eat it at 6 in the morning.....cause that is what normal people do ya know....GEEEZ

order too much wine!
lol remember last year at Olive Gareden on Valentines day?!? lol

kiss someone you like, even though you know it probably won't lead anywhere.
lol I don't have to go there

wear too many necklaces!
I'll just say your the perfect example of that one.

don't always think before you speak!
Don't worry we never do....remember that time at Wal Mart? Riggen?

make stupid jokes!
lol Granolo

wear 2 socks that don't make a pair!
If your wearing jeans then who gives a crap? Am I correct?

let yourself fall in love!
What was it, like 15 years ago? And we are still best friends....Your a t-shirt I will keep wearin over and over no matter how old ya get....and I wont trade ya in for another one either.

listen to the same song one too many times!
"I like where we are when we drive in your car, I like where we are.......... here"

take chances!
we always have....sometimes they were stupid, but most of the time they were fun.

pee into the wind!
Not sure I have ever done that but I have heard you do it when we were at the lake house...interesting

get a little dirty once in a while!
Paint and stuff we got it, but a certain person we know takes the dirty cake

stay out too late!
No sleep for us until the sun comes up

answer the door naked!
mmmm....nope...we never even pooted infront of one another lol

run a red light when there's no one coming!
When didn't you?

tell a stranger he or she is beautiful!
We would always do that.....sometimes people would look at us so weird lol

stand up for something, even if no one else will!
I used to do that but now I like to stand up for people who deserve it.

love your flaws!
I totally love my flaws!

just be you and things will work out. and if they don't, you'll learn from your mistake(s) and become a wiser, stronger, more experienced person.
Yes, Reality IS a bitch....BUT if you keep making the same mistakes your bound to screw something up..Lets just face it.....If you have messed up time and time again and you know who you are, and what you have done, and why people you used to love wont talk with you anymore.....maybe you see a pattern you should break.? No? As for you my nay....your my best friend forever and ever amen and nobody is ever going to get in the middle of that....ever...miss you so much I could fall off the couch right now and lay in a puddle of blanket there all day.
Taylor I love ya to death...miss you so much
jessie

Cut like 6 inches of my hair of yesterday....

So it's my first day off in a while and I am excited that I actually have time to do something. However I can't really decide what to do...My friend Calina should be over in a little while to have a play day for our dogs...hopefully they will love each other. Her dog is half pom and corgy so he is about twice febe's size, but she loves most dogs. Should be nice for her to have someone to play wtih.
Work was soooooooooooooooooooo boring last night. Natalie worked so that was a pluss cause I love her, but other than that I wanted to find a small dark corner to hid in b-a-d. Everyone was singing really slow songs like Hotel California and Piano Man, which aren't bad songs at all but when you have worked at a karaoke place for 4 to 6 years you get tired of hearing the same person sing an 8 minute song that they really have no buiness singing. Same goes for anything from Grease....apparently the Angelo Civic Theatre is doing Grease this summer and I was asked to audition, but I don't think I could do it. I would love love love to be in a play again but can't be in that one. Songs from Grease literally make me angry inside..... Imagine working at a karaoke bar, ok? Anyone that cant really sing is gonna sing one of these songs...
1. I love rock and roll
2. Anything from Grease
3. Alanis Morsette
4. Friends in low places
5. Evenescence (yes, everyone tries to sing it)
6. Love shack
7. American Pie
8. Bohemian Rhapsody
9. Goodbye Earl
10. Grandpa
11. I got you babe
12. Margaritaville
13. My ding-a-ling (at least its funny)
14. Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
15. You never called me by my name
Ok if someone gets up and sings one of those I want to jump from a tall building......and other than those songs unless you make an ass of yourself or your amazing I really don't hear anything. I have learned to completely tune you out. It happens when you hear 50 to 100 "interesting" singers a night.
Sorry about the rant....just had to get that out there.
Another thing is the American Idol question....this is how it goes...I finish singing and walk around gathering gunk off of tables and I hear "Hey! Why don't you try out for American Idol?!?!" Like they are the first person to come up with that thought...American Idol is a bunch of crap. It's really fun to watch on t.v. but unless your a hairy man wearing a thong and scooting around on a skateboard your chances of actually making it on that show are slim to none. Depending on however many thousands of people audition depicts how many people they will choose from that town. Like when I auditioned in Austin....They picked one an hour......if you are amazing and they already picked someone your up a creek. Pluss they don't pick really amazing singers because they have no room to improve on the show...but I think I will set up a Send me to American Idol jar so that everyone will stop talking about it and they can finance my next audition where I won't get chosen....and if I do then I guess the joke is on me.
Another thing I would like to rant about.....if you are an older man and have nothing to do but sit at a bar and hit on some poor 20 year old bartender that is stuck behind the bar so she has to talk to you? Why would you think she would go home with you? Seriously? It gets so hard to give the false smile when you get hit on the same way, by the same person for years. If your so amazing and good looking....then why did you go to the bar alone? And just incase you were wondering...."I have a boyfriend" is a key line to make you stop talking, though it never works.
So yea.....work....if I didn't work with amazing people that make me smile I think I would have done myself in a long time ago. I think I have written enough for the current moment...lol...hope you liked.
jes

I was going to paint but ended up playin on the computer too long so now I have to find something to do until l head to work. Jason is working on a photoshop trick or somthin.... well I haven't really written in a long time so maybe I should. Not that many people read this unless they are spyng (you know who you are) not you Tay. lol Taylor is the only person I know that reads this that does so to just find out whats up with my life and then throws it in my face....everyonw else is a spy so far. If your reading let me know! I like knowing that someone out there reads this and I dont just sit her typing away for no reason.
So VALENTINES DAY....very sweet...I wanted to keep it simple since we have so much going on but Jason blew it out of the water. It was very sweet. I had to work all day and he went off to "do something" and got back just as I was getting off of work. He took me home and made me sit on the couch and then 15 minutes later took me in our room where he had made a pic-nick on the floor with a million tea candles.....he had pillows layed out for me and chocolate covered strawberries and champaine...can't spell that one right. lol. So I layed on the floor and sipped my champaign and had some strawberries while he made dinner in the kitchen....it was very sweet. I got him a 2 year subscription to Vanity Fair and feel very lame for not doing something wonderfull and well thought out for him.
Work has been good....I work everyday really, this week I have Tuesday off and am really looking forward to it. It's not that bad except that I have to waitress most week nights and I don't usually do too well....better than nothing though I guess. I usually make between 4 and 20 bucks a night lol. What can ya do......
So...hmmm...nothing really amazing is going on or anything...I really just sleep a lot and work everyday and fantasize about having a real job that I get home from work at 6 everyday.....can't do it though. At least I love everyone I work with- makes it more fun. I get tired of hearing people ask why I am in San Angelo....because I didn't have a choice...lol who would choose to be here?
Well.....ok I think I am off for a little before I go to work.
If any of you haven't seen The Descent I recommend it!
xoxoxox
jeska

Images by JBailey
Concept Design by Taylor Harris
Wardrobe Design by Taylor Harris
Provided by The Carriage
Model: Me =0)
with help from Courtney Baughmen
......aren't you excited already?

Sooo I guess nothing has ACTUALLY happened since I last wrote. But the possibility of something happening happened. I was on one of my modeling sites and got a note from Jeffery Scott 1019 telling me to call him, which I did, and he wants to work with me. Please understand how talented this guy is....he has published books and is working on 2 more. He and I talked for a little over 2 hours and I think we will get along wonderfully when and if we meet. I just need to find some way to get my butt out to cali now. I have put up a few images by 1019 to show up what I mean, he shoots these girls in a studio and then creates everything you are seeing in photoshop....even down to their clothes. It's amazing and I would love to work with this guy more than anything right now. My ideal situation would be to fly to San Francisco to see Tay and then hop a flight to the OC and work with 3 photographers that I have been dying to work with and then locate Jeff and work with him- then come home. Yea that wouldn't suck.

So I have tried to write this dang blog about 34.2 times since Alicia moved and this site hasn't been treating me well...or the internet times out and then I lose everything that I have written, which is SOOOOOOOOOOOO annying. BUT I REALLY wanted to write this about my sister since she just moved so I keep trying and I really hope this times the charm. Alicia moved last Sunday....but it's where she believes she is suppost to be so who am I to say anything? She has had a rough time the past few years so the fact that she can smile again is really nice for her family. Her highschool sweetheart came and swept her off her feet (shoved everything in that mirage and it actually made it to connecticut). So now I have another excuse to travel...which I will need with Mr.Jason cause he isn't to fond of Yankee land, having lived there himself for years. Before Alicia moved I did something I didn't think I would EVER EVER EVER do....I bought a tattoo....she loves them so much and I know it would be there forever. When we were babies we couldn't say one anothers name so Alicia called me Deska and I called her seashell....so I got her a seashell...which was good because she has future plans of getting this whole ocean corral thing done on her side anyway so this was my little building block for her. I could never get a tattoo....just watching her get it made my skin crawl, but she loves it....so cudos to her I guess.I have lost my little sister and best friend within the same month....kinda feel like I am walking in circles now....not sure what to do with my time. They are both so far away...I really miss them and envy them at the same time. I wish I was following a dream of some kind...I tried once, but it didn't work out so now I am kind of trying to get my chickens all back in order before I run back out there and try again. I figure I can keep trying until I get pregnant....which I will have to be married to do.....soooooooo I have a while to go. Jason and I were just talking last night about how much money it would take to just put everything in storage and travel for like 6 months.....just doing as we please...him being a photographer and me modeling and acting and singing...that would be the best. But it would take a lot of money and courage both of which I am low on at the moment. lol so it's gonna have to wait.

Alicia and I have had a very ineresting relationship. We have loved and hated....as much as one could hate a sister, which isn't ever too bad. Then 2 years ago during the most fun summer of my life we made friends again and I am lucky enough to say that she has been one of my best friends since. I cried like a baby when she left but I know C.T. is where her heart is.
If you need her address I have it. Just send me an e-mail to ladygirljess@yahoo.com and I will send it to you if your not a creepster. lol. Not sure I should be writing her addy online so I wont
A little peice of my heart is now in New England where it belongs.... It has been so hard losing Tay and Alicia so close together but at least both of them are in a place where they needed to be. But I have been getting closer with some people here in Angelo so its ok, though they can't replace my Nay twins.

Sooooo yea.....this was the last night tay and I hung out at my place....and these pictures are from the attack of the popsickle stick.....very scary!



and here are a few images from his going away party I threw him at the woof....it was fun...had a scrapbook table set up and everyone made him a page...very sweet


Here is the gang.....I can't believe how much I miss my nay

I hate it when I try and accomplish nothing.
I hate when someone I trust lets me fall.
I hate being missunderstood
I hate losing a "battle"
Right this moment....I guess I am just angry. I am sitting here in the dark of my own living room typing and all I can think about is a few things that have been seperatley bothering me that seem to have ganged up together today. I am not liked by someone that never even gave me a real chance to show them who I was. The fact that my best friend is thousands of miles away just hit me, I have once again slept half of my day away, I work at the same dead end job that I have for almost 4 years, I'm not in college.....I could go on forever. These are little things that always bother me but they usually choose to do so seperatley...not today.
People usually love me....but not this one. No matter what I do this he/she will never like me, but I feel the need to change his/her mind even though the damage is done and I know they will never trust that I am a good person. That eats at me the most....because I can fly to San Francisco to see my best friend, I can go back to college and I can get a better job, but I can't make someone like me. I guess I am at a loss....... don't know what to say .......... its a dull dark day outside so maybe that's why I am feeling so gloomy.

I have been missing theatre so much latley....I realize that working night shifts is the reason that I can't be in theatre, but tonight it really hit me. I was looking at Kelly Mcfarren's facebook page and realized that she is still doing live theatre....it made my stumach drop. If any of you haven't ever been in a life production let me be the first to tell you that there is not another feeling in the world. When you walk out on that stage, the energy that you feel, the adrenaline that rushes through you, the instant love that you can literally feel.....nothing can replace that feeling, and now I fear that I may never feel it again. I just felt like telling someone about my loss....I have lost my first love.

So here I am in Midland Texas.....Jason and I drove up last night and hung o ut at the woof for about 2 hours and then headed back here to the hotel. I get to eat at the Cracker Barrel which, if you know me, you know how excited I am about them chicken and dumplins! It's gonna be a long weekend.....not sure it will end up being the "small vacation" we were hoping for, but it is a change of scenery.
So last night Jason and I got really deep into a conversation....he is the only person that has ever called me out on so much and made ME realize that HE was 100% correct. He knows how I think of myself, the way that I present myself to other people, and the way that I "down" myself so I don't have to deal with the pressures of not doing what I love. He said that he knows that I think I am the best at everything I do....he said that he knows I don't think of myself as an ok actress, that deep down inside I know I am the best....and he said that stands true for modeling, writing, singing, dancing, sewing, bartending....everything I do. And I hadn't really ever thought about it....he's right. I kinda copp out a little so I don't feel so bad about not doing it to the max and I need to stop it. I want to do something all the way....Then our conversation switched to the painting my daddy did for me on christmas....I hadn't put any thought into it but he made me think for a good 30 minutes, because he wouldn't tell me- he wanted ME to figure it out, which I eventually did. He said that my dad is way to smart to just paint something like that...there is a hidden meaning to it...its a wall with jagged stairs leading to a bright turquise door. And he painted my name on the bottom...which now thinking about it does give off the hidden message vibe. So now I get it...there are so many stairs ahead of me in my life that I have to climb to get to the place I really want to be....then he asked me where I was on the stairs and I'm not that far....I'm going to go for it...I have no idea how or where or anything but I want it...I can feel it...It's like last week at Tay's parents house....I was sitting there talking to his mother for the first time in my life and was having a great time so I showed her my book....which she looked at and then said, "Have you sent this to anyone?" in which case I said no and she said,"why not?!?!" and I think I changed the subject. But I really thought about that a lot....I've really thought about it every day since then really....because why haven't I? There is no reason in the entire world that I shouldnt have started but I haven't. I've been settling and that's not for me. I've never gotten to know Mo but I have always respected the way she just says what is on her mind and now she has called me out and with the help of Jason I have finally realized that I can't sit on my butt anymore and hope the world comes to me, because it wont. I know that I will hear at least 100 no's before I hear a yes so why not start getting some of those no's out of the way....won't kill me....

It's about 7 minutes till 2pm and Ive just gotten out of bed....seems like I have been sleeping my life away. Jason and I worked at Woofers from 2am monday night until 6pm yesterday afternoon cleaning with Jerry and that after my bartending shift from 9pm to 2am monday night. I just wish that I had the option of having a normal life and schedule...I wish that I got up at 9am and took Febe for walks and could go to the library and things like that...painting....but I am lucky if I make it to the bank before it closes. I have my hours ad days flip-flopped, but I work at night so what can ya do? Maybe one day I will be able to have a normal life. I just cant help but be a little upset that I miss out on things.
Oh my goodness if it isn't freezing cold! Yikes! I hear that it may snow tomorrow.....and snow makes me think of Tay and then I get all sad. Taylor moved to San Francisco last thursday for school which is an amazing thing for him and I couldn't be happier for him. BUT he is my right hand man....I find myself a little lost without him. I really want to go and visit him but can't now. lol he has almost been gone a week.....seperation anxiety. I really never knew what a best friend was until he became such a part of my life. Taylor showed me that it was ok to smile my weird natural gummy smile and dance how I felt like dancing and to laugh even if nobody else in the entire building thought a joke was funny. He really brings out the person inside of me that I am afriad to really be.....me. I guess even though I am 23 that this is part of growing up....I know I still have a lot of that do do so one step at a time so I dont fall face over heels. I know that I love life more because God loved me enough to give me such an amazing best friend. BUT I will eventually get my bum bum up there to see him and then I will go through withdraws all over again blah blah blah...Jason and I are doing well....as always...I am begining to think that we can't not get along....another good thing in my life. He is just always there for me and with me and thats a really nice thing....He is sleeping....when that man goes to sleep he sleeps! We did stay up forever though, but I want to make it to the bank and get some KFC so I got myself out of bed! He can sleep though, he did a lot more manuall labor than I did, all my work was just very tedious. We head out for Midland Texas either today or tomorrow, guessing tomorrow since its after 2pm and we don't have any clothes clean...I'm tempted to take them all to the cleaners since he is asleep....I always suggest taking them there but he wont have it...our washer and dryer at the house holds like 5 things at a time and takees forever! Yes I think thats what I will do...hehehe
Alicia and Brad are leaving in 11 days now...that will hit me hard. I love her so much....everything is changing a lot latley.....I hope that I will be able to visit her in CT. She is also one of my best friends. I miss my family....Veronica left me a message on myspace telling me she misses me and that made me feel so bad. I was just telling Jason the other day how I would like to take my next 3 days that I get off and just hang out with family. My parents and brothers and sisters, meme, karen and the girls, visit grandma and grandpa stahlscmidt. I just really miss them a a lot and feel kinda crummy that I live so close again and never see them. I actually think that I may have seen more of them while living in San Marcos! DUMB!
Ok so I wish I had something interesting to talk about, but I don't. My life kinda just blends together...it's a vanilla life right now but I long for rainbow sherbert.

Heath Ledger died yesterday at the age of 28 =0(

A lot has happened....haven't been writing.
Holidays, surprises, people moving and coming back.....
I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be writing again....so start checking.
I have to get ready for work now, but maybe I will write more when I get home at 4 in the morning. lol
xoxoxox
jes

Little missy did a shoot with me....she is soooo stunning! We found that peice of cloth in her closet and made it into a top with safety pins. I went for a more austin powers look with her...I wanted bright and fun....she is 14. lol.
there will be more to come