So latley I have been so completely depressed....with no obvious reason as to why. Something is terribly wrong in my life and I can't figure out what it is. I hate feeling stuck and that is an overwhelming feeling right now.... so stuck here in this town and I hate it. I have been gaining weight and feel fat, my house is never clean, I dont have a kitchen or a bath tub, just things.....little things that all eventually add up to one big giant grump. However, I applied to an apartment yesterday and found out today that I got approved.... so maybe having my own place would make me a little happier.... I just hate feeling this way.

Though it's VERY graphic, I loved it.....I want to be them. lol
In a way it's not fair....I want to live like they do, dress like they do and laugh like they do. Watching those 4 ladies on the big screen makes me want to work harder for what I want. A happily ever after. I want my happy ending....I want to sleep in pearls and drink cosmos with close friends. But really, I have no close female friends. The ones I do have I rarely see. Makes me sad really....even just trying to call some of my girlfriends to get a group together to go see the movie was difficult. Belle went with me along with my sister Tessa....it was fun, but I want the closeness that they had.
Anyway...I need some power heels....some monolo's or something. Heels that I can put on and feel like I could do ANYTHING. Shoes have that type of power over a girl and I want that kind of power.

A happy fathers day to my dad's Eric and daddy

When I was in San Antonio a photographer took images of me shortly after I found out that my grandmother had passed away.... These images are so amazing to me because they show how I felt inside at that very moment in time. She captured me so perfectly that these images almost brought tears to my face because I can feel the emotion leaking out of them even now that I look at them. I will keep these images with me always, they represent a transformation for me.... me seeing the world for what it really is and how fast it can all be gone. I hope that one day I will be just like her.... just as graceful as she was... in everything that she did.

I just wanted to share them with you all... actually Taylor and cooper...pretty sure you two are the only ones that read this...

Its been a while since I posted images....
Here are some from L.A.




those were all by danny luna



those were by robert alvarado







those were david hickey

mikawa photography




RC photography

TEXAS PHOTOGRAPHER'S WORK


LARA images

that's not me...it's a dress/gown I made out of a phone book
AND now I am tired of uploading images.....so enjoy these and I will post more in like 15 years
xoxoxox
jeska

There is so much inside of me....so much to give....so much love, so much life....I feel so small with so much stuck inside. Depression comes and goes on a day to day, hour to hour basis. I hold tight to things that I am afraid of losing. Keep the loves of my life close and become fearful when I cannot touch them in a moments notice.
I love that a song can make me cry.....that one song or note can surface such emotion from my soul that my body falls into tears. I love that I get excited when others have amazing ideas, when my ideas feel obtainable and waiting around the corner.
I love the smell of pancakes in the morning even though I never eat more than one and hate syrup.
I love sleeping in, snuggling with someone that trully loves you and will be there with you through anything & everything.
I love the smell of rain, the way it gives the world hope by washing it clean & letting it start over fresh and new.
Sometimes I randomly spout things out...not even sure if they make sense and I love it too.
I have no idea what I am doing right now....no clue where I am headed....I feel like I need to make some choices soon but it's too scary so I just keep doing the same shit everyday and don't change. Which then leads me to being sad....it's all an evil circle.
My bedroom is dirty and I don't even try to clean it...what's the point? I don't really see one. I guess I put way too much faith and realisticness into symbolism. When i'm upset I don't care for anything in my life to be in order at all...it actually pleases me to be surounded by things that represent what I'm feeling inside. I can't wait to move.....so many choices to make....

So you all know about my grandmother Jane...the funeral was on Monday and it was gorgeous and sweet. She was the only person I know that had 3 preachers preach at their funeral...the most graceful person we all knew...Jane... the coolest thing that happened was that after it was all over we all went to her house and hung out with all the family for a while and my aunt-joe ann found a note pad with all the grandkids names on it and under mine was 4 words...Jessica-first, redheaded, model and leader... It was a great feeling to know that she thought of me as a leader...made me feel so great and proud.
My week prior to the funeral was exactly what I needed....A few days at mission road studio with all the randomes that comes with that. Milkman and Carly were in from New York and I fell completely in love with them during those few days. Their passion for the industry just leaks from every pore of their body and it's so contagious. We had a great time and I think we created some really amazing images with one another and other people. I want to go and visit them in New York as soon as I can...but that may be a while.

Jane Stahlschmidt passed into eternal life at 12:03 AM, 5-29-08. Her final minutes were peaceful. The pastor was here, as well as Ed, Dale (sister), and Sara (daughter).
That was just in my in-box. It made it very real to me that she is gone.... seeing her name in the in-box just sitting there looking at me....me knowing it wasn't my grandmother that wrote that e-mail and knowing that this will be the last time I see that name there.
I don't really know what to do right now so I'm writing....writing doesn't hurt as bad as talking...I just don't think it's fair...but then i'm happy for her at the same time. She was hurting. Now she's not. And I guess it's normal to feel all the regrets once someone passes away... the "I should have spent more time with her" and "I should have written more" all of those thoughts that haunt your brain. It's all normal...If anyone goes to heaven she did, that woman made me a better person, everyone she met she made a better person.
It hurts right from the middle of my neck to the bottom of my rib cage....an aching.

It's funny how you have so many days where you really don't do anything. You wake up late in the afternoon and just lay in bed doing nothing, just laying there drifting in and out of sleep until you get thirsty or hungry enough (or you have to pee) that you get out of bed. Then you lay on the couch and do nothing, maybe eat, maybe watch a movie and then the sky gets darker and you continue to waste your day....until you eventually fall asleep...to possibly wake the next morning/afternoon and do the same ritual once again. It's funny how I have spent countless days doing just that, nothing and now time is winning something.... my grandmother. It's so weird how she was fine at Christmas, giggling, smiling, giving hugs and telling us that she is sorry she didn't have enough time to get around to making us our christmas presents this year but she will have them for sure next year. Everyone was a little scared but I know I felt like she would be fine. She isn't fine.
It's just an odd feeling knowing that we are all just waiting..... checking our phones for missed calls and e-mails for news. Gas is so expensive it's hard for everyone to always be there with her. My mother is there with her now, I am helping my mom with kids until everything settles down. I am just so in love with my grandmother it literally hurts me. My heart aches...I don't cry as much as I thought that I would and when I do cry I never expect it. Jason has been such a rock for me through this time... he takes such great care of me and helps me with anything he can. Pluss i'm a bit extra emotional with everything going on so I feel so bad for him at times. I'm just not ready. What will I do without my grandmother? Without the person that I owe my creativity to, the person that taut me to crochett, the person that has always been there for anyone that needed help. What will I do? It just doesn't feel right or natural. It feels stolen.
Grandma will be with Jesus though, she won't hurt anymore....I just hate that I know in my heart that she isn't ready to go yet....her heart and mind is still fighting but her body has given up. It's a matter of time...
My daddy came to see me this past weekend. It's so weird to see him so worn down. When you see people a lot you don't notice them age or anything but I haven't seen him in a while and he looks so tired. He has bad skin cancer and a mouth condition. He got dentures when I was about 12 or 13-ish and they didn't fit right so they wore the pallet of his mouth down to about as thick as a piece of paper. He has to has a major surgery to correct it and do bone graphs but they can't do that until he stops smoking for about 6 months, which he hasn't done and it's been at least 6 to 8 months since he found out. And I found out today that he has been diagnosed with emphysema .... which is chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), formerly termed a chronic obstructive lung disease (COLD). It is often caused by exposure to toxic chemicals or long-term exposure to tobacco smoke. I told my dad that I smoke for the first time and that if he would stop so would I. If he doesn't stop he is gonna die eventually and that isn't something I am prepared to go through. I need my dad. Not sure he will though since he hasn't stoped so he can have his mouth surgery yet. I guess I don't understand why someone wouldn't try to save themselves if they had the choice. Grandma Jane didn't have a choice. She never smoked, drank or did drugs and she contracted cancer in her lungs, liver and collin...my Dad can get better and save himself yet he doesn't seem to be trying. It's so difficult to not get angry at.....So hard to keep it together.
I am in love with my familly.....please pray for them with me.

I saw her last week, on a Wednesday. The day of the horrible storms in Brady and Eden, which were very fitting for a setting that day. I planned on leaving early that day to go and see her but before I left I got a phone call from my mother telling me that We HAD TO COME SEE HER that day, which is never something you want to hear from a parent. My grandmother Jane Stahlschmidt probably won't be with us much longer unless the lord decides to save her. Hospice was called in on Thursday, they stoped hydrating her and I guess that means we are just playing the waiting game. It seems so unfair to me though, I know she isn't ready to go yet. I know she is fighting as much as she can in her "state". I guess they have her on so many pills and drops that she is never fully in reality of what's going on. As far as I know she doesn't even know that she is passing, which I don't think is fair but who am I to pass judgment on that. I haven't ever been in that position yet, but I know that if I was passing I would want to know and I wouldn't want to be on anything for at least a day so I could talk to my family. It seems so unfair to keep her so druged up if she is going to pass. I think God should give her just 2 days of something normal. My grandmother loves to write and catalogue things. She should have two days to write everything that she always thought she would be able to write.... letters to her children and future childrens children. The one thing harder than losing a grandmother is watching a mother lose her mother, and I have been watching my mom lose hers.
My grandfather doesn't really act like anything is wrong, not sure if he knows exactly what's going on.... he walks around the house and tells jokes and shows my mom pictures of cars when she tries to find out details about my grandmothers wishes. My Grandfather is angry, and frankly I can't really blame him because I am angry as well. My grandfather finally told my mother that Grandma want's to be burried in Texas so she can be close to her kids. Words escape me now, emotion is too strong, hearts are too full.... Im not ready to burry my grandmother who is only 62. Cancer is horrible.... Kemo is horrible, but God is good. God won't give her anything that he doesn't think she can't handle. So God must think my Grandmother is a really strong lady.
JANE AND EDGAR STAHLSCMIDT-SARAH KATHY JOANNE
SARAH/MIKE/DOUGE-Scott, Ben, Savanah, and the new baby that I can't remember her name now.
KATHY/RON/ERIC-Jessica, Alicia, Zachary, Rebecca, Veronica
JOANNE/ROBERT/SCOTT- Albert, Tonya, Robert, Amanda
From my Grandmother she brought 16 people into the world. 16 people with wonderful morals and great hearts. 16 people that will always remember our crochetted scarves and beanies we got every christmas, our hand made quilts grandma made us when we were babies. How she didn't ever forget a birthday. My grandmother is the rock of my family, she was the one constant through all the hurt we all went through. We knew that we could always go to her.
I remember once when I was a little kid, maybe 6, I was mad at my parents and I had packed my bags. I told my Dad that I was going to go live with Grandma stahlschmidt in Fredericksburg.... After he explained how long it would take me to get there on foot I changed my mind, but I always wanted to be with her and Papa. Every summer we would be there. One summer I had gotten a little mermaid doll and I was playing with her in the front row of church (grandma played piano in church for as long as I can remember) I got my doll taken away because she wasn't decent in church. lol just little things I remember. Her giggle.... man she has the cutest giggle.
I'm just hurting.... not ready to bury my grandmother but that seems to be the reality of what I'm facing. There just isn't ever enough time is there? You always think you have time, but really, time has you.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
I heard that song for the first time one summer while I was staying at Grandma Janes, I had gotten a tape from Chick Fil-A and it had that song along with a story. I don't remember the whole story but I do remember that the man that wrote that song had so much faith. His wife and 4 or 5 daughters had gone on a ship somewhere and the ship sunk, taking his while family down with it. He went on another ship to the spot where his family's ship had sunk and wrote that song. I can't imagine the faith he had, faith like my grandmothers. I can hardly imagine seeing the very spot that you lost your whole "life" and instead of getting angry and hating God, you give it to God and make peace with it. Thats the faith I want, I want it to be well with my soul. And if I am asked to sing at my grandmothers funeral, IF it happens that we have one, I am going to be singing that song.
Jes

So I get a voicemail from my mother, crying and needs me to call her back, which I do my best to do. I call anyone I know that would be able to get in touch with her but she isn't around. I try to do what I can to help in the situation but there really isnt much I can do. I find out that my little brother must think that I am the scum of the earth for whatever reason and is using that as a catalyst for my baby sister to not make bad choices, which always makes ya feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Granted, there was a point in time where I probably didn't make the best choices in the universe but I never did drugs or got pregnant.... and who likes having their past thrown at them- or better yet- thrown at their baby sister. So i'm pissed.
To be completely honest I think I am just angry in general most of the time. When things don't make sense I get so frustrated and angry I could just scream, and sometimes do. All I wanted to do last night was help, and I ended up feeling like a horrible example and the reason that my baby sister is being an idiot. Nice huh? So now I don't know what I will do with my day. I really should go and see my grandmother, this town has a way of sucking life out of people. Taking all of their energy and making them sleepy, depressed, and bitter.

Family, kinda like God I guess. They never really want you around unless they need something. Why would I ever want to have children of my own if this is the kind of insane thought process that is born with them? My little sisters and brother make me crazy and scared enough for a lifetime, do I really need to insure my fate with children of my own?
It sucks really....cause in the end all I really want is for them to make good choices and not do some of the things that I did while growing up. You can't tell them that though. Impossible really, they hear what they want and usually take that information and twist it around to use against you in some superficial argument. In the end, I still love them. Good/bad/retarded/talented/insane/aggrivating- all the different qualities they seem to let you catch a glimps of daily. They are all bi-polar. THE END

I guess I will be moving in August-ish? Not really sure when the exact date is cause.....well I never seem to have real details on anything. I hope to move asap though, I think Jason and I may both have to get 2 jobs for a while in order to do that though. It will be so nice to have my own bathtub lol, isn't it funny that's the one thing I am looking forward to the most? We don't have a bathtub here where we live in Angelo. Just a little shower so I really can't wait to take a bath every day. Also, the closet! I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE A REAL CLOSET! I have never had a real closet.....ever....the closest I had was at my first apartment in Angelo and it was so tiny. lol. I want shoe racks and boxes and everything! I am ready to make this change and make it right this time around.

Really haven't written much in a long time. Now that I am in San Angelo I don't usually have the need to keep everyone updated, as they are mostly stuck here with me. We have small reunions in Wal Mart, Hastings, and local bars.....like ya do. Its a small town. At the moment I am so incredibly driven it's insane. I just got back from L.A. and had an amazing trip, met ton's of super nice people and really got a lot of great additions and replacements for my book (portfolio). I am going to try and make a move to Austin anywhere from 2 weeks to a month-ish. San Angelo is a great place to grow up, but I don't want to be here anymore. It's killing every creative thought I have. I have more to give than this town has to offer, always have, always will. Austin will be a great catalyst for Jason and I to eventually make great choices career wise and hopefully end up doing what we love.

Hello there, just thought I would write for a few minutes since I have so much on my mind. Things have been great and horrible at the same time.

Amazing
=====
1. Did amazing in a runway show for Rare magazine in Austin
2. Going to L.A. in 2 days for fun shoots
3. My one year anniversary is coming up on the 8th
4. I have an amazing idea for a great new online company
5. I got to go to a prom with Jason and had a super fun time

Horrible
=====
1. My grandmother is sick cancer
2. My father is sick with cancer
3. One of my best friend's has had a bad bout with luck latley and things aren't going well for him at the moment
4. I want to move out of this town
5. I'm nervous about L.A.
6. My car insurance is going up
7. I'm always tired but can't sleep
8. I just feel really over welmed

I know that everything will be ok, but I hate feeling helpless and vulnerable. I am ready to get something up and running-- sign with an agency or get my company started...OR BOTH! I need inspiration and there really isn't any in san angelo and I hate it so much. I am really looking forward to laying on the beach in all my glorious whiteness in Cali and just relaxing.... coated in a layer of SPF 3000 I will just let everything go.... I haven't ever seen the ocean so I am looking forward to it.
I'm also nervous about my shoots.... It's something I can't help really... I haven't ever met a photographer that hasn't liked me but I am always worried about it cause I really don't look like a model when you meet me. I look like a normal 17 year old girl until I get through hair and makeup and sit infront of that camera. I just have bad anxiety.
Work is still work, the same place it has been for the past 3 or 4 years, just a few new faces and rules. Crossin' my fingers that I will bank thursday and friday for L.A.
If anyone reads this please pray for my grandmother and my daddy. Also a little boy named Joshua who is 4 years old and has auto immune disease. I am blessed dailey to have my health...I should take better care of myself.
xoxox
jeska

I don't care anymore, this stupid ambition, this life
Why do I keep pushing, and recieving a lie

Ambitions are false and hopes just die
this po-dunk town this wednesday night

Greatness will never actually be acheived
regret will just eat at me

People feeling bigger than me
playing around with my emotion, screwing me

Take your oh so important life and hold it up to mine
But when you die, will you lay there more perfect than I?

Tired of this bullshit, tired of the games
stop putting me off and throwing head games

I can't keep guessing at what you want
foolish I feel with every second your decision took

Sitting here in my living room, just got off of work
My feet feel like rotting flesh, breath is coming short

Situations unavoidable, time repeats still
yet the years creep up slowly and time I can’t kill

People claim the future unpredictable and bright
yet clearly I can see my future on this Friday night

Beer bottle on the table, trash on T.V.
this town is slowly darker, reaping life, killing me

Money makes the world go round, and I spin too fast
should the future burn brighter than my weary past

so far one can fall before they bounce back
somehow I feel that bounce will hit me in the ass

candle burning faster at both of it’s ends
will they reach each other before I make a plan

too many ways to run, but nowhere to hide
vulnerable and scared sitting here tonight

this is not what I invisioned, this is not what I wished
so many things have happened since I’ve felt bliss

Please God show me a path
Please God help me shine

When I grow up I will be happy
I will know exactly what I am doing and wont make stupid mistakes.

When I grow up I will be in love....I will know it's love
When I grow up I will have success and a big house and a family and a nice car.
When I grow up little things wont bother me
When I grow up the skies will always be blue and I will never cry
I will know who my friends are and I wont have to guess

When I grow up I will be famous

I will sing and dance and paint and sew and draw and write and everyone will love it
When I grow up I wont have to worry

When I grow up it will be too late.....
everything I have done and everyone I have hurt will still be there
When I grow up my days will be boring and work never ending
Dreams will always be out of reach and talk will always be talk

When I grow up I will be bored and scared every day
When I grow up reality will sink in
When I grow up skies are gray and I will cry
When I grow up.........

I read this thing... with your name........ Tay... and my first reaction was to respond... I have no other reason other than the fact that all of these topics pertained to you and I in some way.... and you know me... I don't bite my tounge. I've never bitten it and won't now... I just had to say something!

Keep up the crazy, yall!

sing loud in public!
My favorite was singing as loud as we could and as awefull as I could late at night outside somewhere....especially at my apartment cause it really REALLY bothered my neighbore for some reason.

dance in the street!
Makes me think of your crazy tap dancing.....and our insane dancing at the woof.

order too much food!
But we always would eat it at 6 in the morning.....cause that is what normal people do ya know....GEEEZ

order too much wine!
lol remember last year at Olive Gareden on Valentines day?!? lol

kiss someone you like, even though you know it probably won't lead anywhere.
lol I don't have to go there

wear too many necklaces!
I'll just say your the perfect example of that one.

don't always think before you speak!
Don't worry we never do....remember that time at Wal Mart? Riggen?

make stupid jokes!
lol Granolo

wear 2 socks that don't make a pair!
If your wearing jeans then who gives a crap? Am I correct?

let yourself fall in love!
What was it, like 15 years ago? And we are still best friends....Your a t-shirt I will keep wearin over and over no matter how old ya get....and I wont trade ya in for another one either.

listen to the same song one too many times!
"I like where we are when we drive in your car, I like where we are.......... here"

take chances!
we always have....sometimes they were stupid, but most of the time they were fun.

pee into the wind!
Not sure I have ever done that but I have heard you do it when we were at the lake house...interesting

get a little dirty once in a while!
Paint and stuff we got it, but a certain person we know takes the dirty cake

stay out too late!
No sleep for us until the sun comes up

answer the door naked!
mmmm....nope...we never even pooted infront of one another lol

run a red light when there's no one coming!
When didn't you?

tell a stranger he or she is beautiful!
We would always do that.....sometimes people would look at us so weird lol

stand up for something, even if no one else will!
I used to do that but now I like to stand up for people who deserve it.

love your flaws!
I totally love my flaws!

just be you and things will work out. and if they don't, you'll learn from your mistake(s) and become a wiser, stronger, more experienced person.
Yes, Reality IS a bitch....BUT if you keep making the same mistakes your bound to screw something up..Lets just face it.....If you have messed up time and time again and you know who you are, and what you have done, and why people you used to love wont talk with you anymore.....maybe you see a pattern you should break.? No? As for you my nay....your my best friend forever and ever amen and nobody is ever going to get in the middle of that....ever...miss you so much I could fall off the couch right now and lay in a puddle of blanket there all day.
Taylor I love ya to death...miss you so much
jessie

Cut like 6 inches of my hair of yesterday....

So it's my first day off in a while and I am excited that I actually have time to do something. However I can't really decide what to do...My friend Calina should be over in a little while to have a play day for our dogs...hopefully they will love each other. Her dog is half pom and corgy so he is about twice febe's size, but she loves most dogs. Should be nice for her to have someone to play wtih.
Work was soooooooooooooooooooo boring last night. Natalie worked so that was a pluss cause I love her, but other than that I wanted to find a small dark corner to hid in b-a-d. Everyone was singing really slow songs like Hotel California and Piano Man, which aren't bad songs at all but when you have worked at a karaoke place for 4 to 6 years you get tired of hearing the same person sing an 8 minute song that they really have no buiness singing. Same goes for anything from Grease....apparently the Angelo Civic Theatre is doing Grease this summer and I was asked to audition, but I don't think I could do it. I would love love love to be in a play again but can't be in that one. Songs from Grease literally make me angry inside..... Imagine working at a karaoke bar, ok? Anyone that cant really sing is gonna sing one of these songs...
1. I love rock and roll
2. Anything from Grease
3. Alanis Morsette
4. Friends in low places
5. Evenescence (yes, everyone tries to sing it)
6. Love shack
7. American Pie
8. Bohemian Rhapsody
9. Goodbye Earl
10. Grandpa
11. I got you babe
12. Margaritaville
13. My ding-a-ling (at least its funny)
14. Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
15. You never called me by my name
Ok if someone gets up and sings one of those I want to jump from a tall building......and other than those songs unless you make an ass of yourself or your amazing I really don't hear anything. I have learned to completely tune you out. It happens when you hear 50 to 100 "interesting" singers a night.
Sorry about the rant....just had to get that out there.
Another thing is the American Idol question....this is how it goes...I finish singing and walk around gathering gunk off of tables and I hear "Hey! Why don't you try out for American Idol?!?!" Like they are the first person to come up with that thought...American Idol is a bunch of crap. It's really fun to watch on t.v. but unless your a hairy man wearing a thong and scooting around on a skateboard your chances of actually making it on that show are slim to none. Depending on however many thousands of people audition depicts how many people they will choose from that town. Like when I auditioned in Austin....They picked one an hour......if you are amazing and they already picked someone your up a creek. Pluss they don't pick really amazing singers because they have no room to improve on the show...but I think I will set up a Send me to American Idol jar so that everyone will stop talking about it and they can finance my next audition where I won't get chosen....and if I do then I guess the joke is on me.
Another thing I would like to rant about.....if you are an older man and have nothing to do but sit at a bar and hit on some poor 20 year old bartender that is stuck behind the bar so she has to talk to you? Why would you think she would go home with you? Seriously? It gets so hard to give the false smile when you get hit on the same way, by the same person for years. If your so amazing and good looking....then why did you go to the bar alone? And just incase you were wondering...."I have a boyfriend" is a key line to make you stop talking, though it never works.
So yea.....work....if I didn't work with amazing people that make me smile I think I would have done myself in a long time ago. I think I have written enough for the current moment...lol...hope you liked.
jes