Sooo....... life is an interesting thing... it changes in a blink of an eye...
Jason and I are expecting a little boy or girl in about 7 months. I guess I am still in the weird/awekward/dazzed stage of being pregnant lol. I am always very sleepy and starving now... which is weird because I use to only eat once a day and now its every 2 or 3 hours. I could honestly sleep all day and all night and still be totally exhausted when I got up lol it's so weird.
Life is changing already and I am nervous and anxious to see what happens.
Jason and I have been trying to get a small loan so we could get him a car but that's not gonna happen right now I guess. Banks don't want to give out small loans and I really want to stay away from a major loan right now. Just stinks cause he really needs a car and it would be nice to have a second car with 4 doors for the baby. We shall figure out something though... we are pretty resourceful.
Not really sure what to write about right now.... life is happening all around me and now inside of me and its very surreal.
Jason is cooking for me right now... which he does often and I love him for it. He is going to be such an amazing daddy. I can't wait to see him holding the little tiny for the first time.. it's going to be amazing.

Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and 'round again, down and up and 'round again

I've had my chances and I've taken them all
Just to end up right back here on the floor

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace
And I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes

I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me? What it's done to me? What is done, done?

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there
But I'm not scared at all, I'm not scared at all
'Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes And trust it, just trust it
Have you ever Thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care

It's only half past the point of No return
The tip of the ice burg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning
The breathe before the fraze
Have you ever felt thIs way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you Ever been touch so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breathe before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Laugh so the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breathe and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

About 6 days left of school and I am scrambling to make it.... I have another piece that has to be completed that I haven't even started on.... can't wait to have a some what stress free summer. The picture above was my first work of the semester and it has grown on me a lot. Initially I hated it because it's something I wouldn't have ever painted out of my own free will but now I think it holds a sad, sick beauty and am really proud I did it. There is so much symbolism hidden in it.... my second piece hasn't been photographed as of yet but will be soon... it's super cool and also broke the mold of my comfort zone. My third piece will be a weird spin off of my first piece... each work I did this semester had to come from a fashion point of view but with it's own emotional word. The first one was shame, the second was piece and my third and final one will be rage.... hopefully it will turn out well.
I keep trying to figure out how to upload videos to this thing... I know it can be done because I have seen video's on other blogs but maybe my computer hates me or something. I am going to try again this time so Dad E can see the band. Made a small compilation of a few songs from my 2nd gig with them... you can tell I am still slightly terrified but it gives you a taste of what we are about.
Almost all of my friends are preggo.... seriously weird for me. Can't decide my own fate when it comes to the whole turning into a mommy thing. Kourtney, Brandy, Kayla, Sariah, Jennifer, Kristen, and Sky are all pregnant right now and Dez, Lisa, Natalie and Sara just had babies.... too weird man. I mean I am happy for them but I just don't feel that old yet... I want to have a baby but am also completely terrified of being bogged down by a child.. and I am still way to selfish and have way to much that I want to do.
Seems like a page in my book is closing.... don't really associate with many people that i used to call my close friends and have now started hanging out with a bunch of people that really encourage me and include me. I haven't felt a sense of closeness with a group of people in a while so it's nice to know that I am invited if they do something and I won't accidently run into them and then have awkward excuses thrown at me.
I have decided that I want to go to China with the art department next summer... it's for a month and I would be able to study with some of the universities there and visit the great wall of china and museums and just see something I haven't ever seen before. I think that would be the coolest thing ever because i really haven't ever been anywhere outside of the U.S. except for Canada and I was only there for one day. haha

looks like this video might MIGHT upload.... I would hope so .... been sitting here for like 30 minutes waiting for the damn this to load.
attempting to upload another video for Eric... me preforming at ASU

Just finished a fun 70s flower child themed shoot with a really talented photographer. Wasn't aware of the fact that I actually owned so much 70s stuff until he enlightened me to that fact.
Should have pictures tonight or tomorrow from the shoot.... really excited. I got to have an afro!

So here is a picture of the band I am in. Funky Munky. So far it's been a great experience and I have had a lot of fun. We pay at the Oasis this weekend and I am really looking forward to it. I have a few videos from our last performance on my camera but haven't uploaded anything as of yet.
We play oldie's up to disco so it's really interesting and it's a genre of music I didn't think I would ever sing let alone enjoy singing but it's proven to be really fun. I think this summer will be really fun playing with them once i have a break from school... just always so tired and always seem to be running around like a crazy person.
The next pictures are from the ASU pops concert at the pavilion that I danced for about a week ago. Sariah, Dez and I danced to All that Jazz from the broadway show Chicago along with about 4 other girls then Brian Jones and I danced to some other music together.



I also have this on my video camera but haven't had time to upload them yet lol maybe I will do that tonight after I finish everything else in the whole wide world.
Brian is an amazing dancer.... he floats when he dances. It is always really flattering when he asks me if I will dance a recital with him because I know he knows lots of dancers and didn't have to ask me. But now I know some more classical dances and I love them.... just wish I had somewhere and someone to dance them with. lol not much of a two stepper and that doesn't go over well here in Texas.

SOOOOOOooooooooooo...... things have been CRAZY! I am so thankful school is a quick blink away from being over for the summer... my dad made me promise not to skip school since it's so close to being done and I will do my best..... can't wait to sleep in every day!
My project in art history is coming along great. We are suppose to modernize a head in our own way compared to the head that Damien Hurst decorated with diamonds years ago. he used a real human skull and real diamonds on his... mine is styrophome and glue but I still think it's pretty fantastic. I created a box covered with mirrors inside along with lights and my head will sit inside. the head is covered in high end fashion labels and then glazed over several times... trying to show that we may not realize that fashion and brand names effect us in our every day life and has something to do in choices we make and lifestyles we choose, and that fashion reflects into our every day lives and originality is becoming more and more difficult to come by. Thats my thoughts on it thus far. Still have to figure out what I am going to cover the outside of the box in..... was thinking about seeing if i could find cloth with map or global print on it to show the outside of the box as the world..... IDK.....
I would really love to get enough pieces together that I could see if the museum would let me hold an exibit sometime... that would be bad- ass! BUT the head is due on monday so I gotta get crackin with it!
The first 2 shows with the band went great I think... lots of room for me to improve but I got through it and didn't really mess up too bad in any one spot.

I have come to the realization that I really don't have any friends... it's been a slow process leading up to this moment but now it has slapped me in the face. Blame it on school, work, the band, photography... whichever you like but I never have anyone wanting to hang out with me unless I happen upon them when the are already out and about in which case I guess they feel obligated to invite me. Which sucks. Makes someone really think about them self. I mean I do have a few good friends that call all the time and hang out even though I have a difficult schedule but the number of them is dwindling and I really love them. But they are all guys and sometimes it's nice to hang out with a fellow female... must get over that quick.
I wear my feeling on my sleeves and really shouldn't... I know this but still can't help myself. I wish I was the strong person that didn't care but I bet those people care even more than me. They just get mad at watch murder mystery movies and eat far too much ice cream. Maybe this is all normal and now that I am getting older this is how things shall be from now on. Who knows.... Maybe I should branch out of my comfort zone and start hanging out with all the people that want to hang out with me but I haven't ever even attempted to. Hmmmm.... there is some positive thinking.
LET'S DO IT!

I haven't been this busy in who knows how long.... probably my whole life. I had to ask my work if they would let me take the next 2 weeks off (during the week. not weekends). I am doing so much!
~Full time student
~in a band
~work at least 40 hours a week.
thats not counting homework and studying and photography and blah blah blah. Oh I am selling mary kay now too so that is taking up time. I am just completely exhausted and can't keep all of it up. I stay exhausted all day every day and never find time to sleep, unless I skip school, which I did twice last week.... whoops.
I have a major art assignment due soon and haven't started on it. Another art project due in art history soon, 3 papers to write by Tuesday and a ton of photography stuff to do.... I have just been weeping on and off today.
Other than being busy life doesn't really exist honestly. I never get to hang out with my parents... and Eric leaves soon. I don't have time to keep the house clean (Jason and I made the living room look fantastical tonight though.. so pretty)
So hopefully life will get easier soon. Hopefully mary kay starts panning out soon so that I can work from home all the time. I would love that. i m actually quit the home body.... I mean I like going out every once in a while but I really love just being at home working on projects and watching court T.V. lol.
I love my photography class but don't have the time to really play in the dark room which sucks cause I paid a ton of money for that class. Our teacher really teaches nothing...... but I love the whole shooting and developing part. Jason really teaches me when I go out to shoot.
My friend Katie is in town for a shoot tomorrow. She won Miss Amarillo and needs pictures for the miss texas pageant in a few months so I have that for the majority of tomorrow. Then my week explodes again.... I was gonna take summer classes but I am pretty sure that wont happen now. I really need the break.... the WHOLE break..... and I can't wait.... ahhhh to be lazy!
just haven't written in forever so there is my heads up on my boring life lol.

Sitting here procrastinating a little.... seems like my weeks have been flying by so fast!
I started college again after at least a three year break and it's great. I really enjoy it a lot. I am taking painting II, English World Literature, Art History II and Photography. Keeps me sleepy.... have been on a really weird schedule for years and now I am realizing how hard it is to get back on a semi-normal schedule.
Work is going well.... busy busy lately which is a little different than what I expected due to the economy but can't be anything but happy with it.
The "kids" are doing great. Felps still refuses to be potty trained but is doing better and febe is still my baby doll.
Just wanted to catch up a little. So sleepy and I still have homework to do
jes

Sick.... fun fun fun. Feel's like my head might fall off haha.
Can't sleep. blah blah
Anyway!!!
CHRISTMAS IS 20 DAYS AWAY!
and taylor is coming and I am so friggin' excited about it! I think the dinner group might go ice skating this sunday in Odessa, I think that would be too much fun.
I have been overly blessed with wonderful new people in my life lately.
Liz... love her too much! I find myself actually sulking if I don't get to see her once every couple days. We enjoy Christmas Wine, decorating, talking about rubbish and getting wasted drunk and eating in the middle of the night while watching f*r*i*e*n*d*s... and we wear the same shoe size so that is always a must have when making a new best friend. Just makes life more fun.
Brandy... this group picture is the only known picture of her... she is super fun. Really talented and is always on the none-plan-plan which works out great with me. She dresses crazy and hippy-ish and I love it. She really inspires me artistically as well as motivationally
then there's Rusty. You just have to love rusty if you meet him. He is pretty convinced that he is the joker but that's ok cause I still wanna be the little mermaid when I grow up. Russ lives upstairs from me and can eat more food than anyone I have ever known in my while life. He is an insanely great person and knows a lot of Frank Sinatra songs.... he also helps me take the puppies potty late at night when I have been watching too many scary shows.He is a UPS guy for all you girls out there with a fetish lol ( every time I see him in his uniform I can't help but think about the bend and snap part of legally blond hahaha love it!) He is also a really great friend to my Jason.... and he helps a lot of people move.. but that's his fault for having a truck.
There are lots more people I am thankful for but for now I am super bored with writing... kinda excited though cause I have to people subscribed to my blog! whoo hoo! that's a hair better than nobody!
I have to work tonight and I still don't feel well so I am gonna try to find something terribly boring on t.v. to make me fall asleep.

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do drugs​tores​ make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store​ to get their​ presc​ripti​ons while​ healt​hy peopl​e can buy cigar​ettes​ at the front​.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​.​do peopl​e order​ doubl​e chees​eburg​ers,​ large​ fries​,​ and a diet coke.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​ do banks​ leave​ both doors​ open and then chain​ the pens to the count​ers.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do we leave​ cars worth​ thous​ands of dolla​rs in the drive​way and put our usele​ss junk in the garag​e.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do we buy hot dogs in packa​ges of ten and buns in packa​ges of eight​.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do they have drive​-​up ATM machi​nes with Brail​le lette​ring.​

EVER WONDE​R.​.​.​.​

Why the sun light​ens our hair,​ but darke​ns our skin?​

Why women​ can'​t put on masca​ra with their​ mouth​ close​d?​

Why don'​t you ever see the headl​ine '​Psych​ic Wins Lotte​ry'​?​

Why is '​abbre​viate​d'​ such a long word?​

Why is it that docto​rs call what they do '​pract​ice'​?​

Why is lemon​ juice​ made with artif​icial​ flavo​r,​ and dishw​ashin​g liqui​d made with real lemon​s?​

Wh y is the man who inves​ts all your money​,​ calle​d a broke​r?​

Why is the time of day wit h the slowe​st traff​ic calle​d rush hour?​

Why isn'​t there​ mouse​-​flavo​red cat food?​

Why didn'​t Noah swat those​ two mosqu​itoes​?​

Why do they steri​lize the needl​e for letha​l injec​tions​?​

You know that indes​truct​ible black​ box that is used on airpl​anes?​ Why don'​t they make the whole​ plane​ out of that stuff​?​!​

Why don'​t sheep​ shrin​k when it rains​?​

Why are they calle​d apart​ments​ when they are all stuck​ toget​her?​

If flyin​g is so safe,​ why do they call the airpo​rt the termi​nal?​

Now that you'​ve smile​d at least​ once,​ it's your turn to sprea​d the stupi​dity and send this to someo​ne you want to bring​ a smile​ to (​maybe​ even a chuck​le)​.​.​.​in other​ words​,​ send it to every​one.​

We all need to smile​ every​ once in a while​.​

HAVE A GREAT​ DAY!

If silence slowly drives me mad
my life is so mundane
every day always ends up being just the same damn thing

I'm not sure why I feel this way
not sure where I get this pain
but it doesn't give the slightest sign of wanting to go away

My insides leak outside of me
in my writing and if I sing
My house has taken the brunt of just about everything

Dishes litter counter tops
they smell as they sit in the sink
But all that I want to do is lay here for a few days

Big things are coming up now
I can feel my heart scream
what do you do when you could lose everything

in considering it

Id overthink

in overthinking

Id act impulsively

with impulse

lies what soon is lost

in losing

you wouldnt dare play fair

in fairness

you stole my heart

but with tact

I stole it back

maybe next time

we will be smart enough

not to consider it.

I'm sad.
I want to go and see Nay... laugh and cry and just be. I really shouldn't have eaten my veggies when I was little.... mom was right, you will grow up. And sometimes I still feel like a scared little girl hiding in the closet watching the rest of the world living safe from my little crack in the door. Sometimes I want my mommy to come in and rub my back and make everything better.
Something is missing and I dont know what it is. But I'm not happy and I just want to smile..

scarcely moved from the spot Ive been sitting in, for going on 8 hours now ...

once, I was sitting here contemplating the sounds

now, I contemplate the lack there of



when the music stops playing

my mind stops reeling

or maybe it reels on so quickly that I cant interpret a single thought



I am as still

as I ought to be

in times like these



I peer down the alley way

a man half buried in our dumpster

frantically pulling at left-overs, long rotten, long sour

and I am long gone, long, long, long, gone



I see it every day

but now when he is so close

I am so affected

and I am so affected

that wouldnt you know, I go numb

and I feel nothing



I just exist

and the idea of existing ... where I swore I was hungry

and this man is devouring my left-overs ...



to exist in that ... would kill me

if this disassociation hadnt already done so



someone is laying on their horn outside my window

and yet, I am able to muffle it

and no, Ive never an idea of how or why

I dont laugh or cry

when just last night

was I not, but a child again?



carrying on and on about departure



carrying on and on about that insatiable hunger within



and you were right to say we will change with the mornings



and you were right that impermanence suits life best



and I was right to hold on so gravely

because with morning Id take all that love you gave me



and keep myself alive out here.

So.... things have been really interesting lately......
Felps and Febe have been doing better and better.... Got some really great pictures of little mr.'s first bath. He didn't like it at all.


He has been a lot more loving which makes him much more of a joy to jason and I.... we can actually love on him without him biting our nose n' stuff...
Renae and I had the best day ever the other day.... we decided it was the best/worse idea we have ever had and went on the none plan/plan... we were at work all night... she was working and I wasn't. I had like a million martini's which is never a good idea. Then she came over and we accidentally stayed up all night drinking wine... just she and I. Jason went to bed hours before but the sun just magically came on. Then we went outside and I decided we should go to the lake because I hadn't gone swimming one time the whole summer and I was betting that monday was the last amazing hot day we had left. So we went to the wal mart where we were totally distracted by the rock band display. After taking 15 minutes trying to figure out how to make that thing work we went to get sunscreen (only good idea i had all day) and made friends with one of the wal mart workers. Then we went to the town and country and got ice and headed to the lake. It was the most fun I have had in a long time. We stayed out there until about 5 and came home. It was the best!
Can't wait to get a tent and camp out with her before she moves. it's gonna be so much fun

So I added a few new places to visit while your out. There on the left where the link to tay's blog is. I am now the face of two buisnesses! Let's face it and science and sanctity clothing line! I love the image on the science page... it's so peaceful. One the makeup site I am the opening page and have a million in the gallery. I recently shot for a new reality show that is coming out next year. I have no idea what the name of it is but I know it's about motorcycles that have been re-done to look like old 40"s fighter planes. It's totally classy. I haven't got the site for that yet but when I do I will add it to the list.
My birthday is coming up and I am kinda excited about it. Febe's birthday is today- she is 2 years old.
Other than that nothing much is happening. About to start on a painting I was commissioned out of arizona to paint and I can't wait to nock it out so I won't have to think about it anymore.
My dad E gets home soon and I am excited to have him around.
love you all
jes

Wow I'm up early! And I don't teach or anything today and I am already up.... and have been for over an hour. Nice haha
I hope today is a wonderful day, I can feel that is has already started out wonderful. Got up, took the babies out, fed them, paid rent and bought something I don't really need online. I always seem to be doing that and Jason hasn't killed me yet so I imagine I will continue to do it.
My dance class is going well, though they are only through 2 and a half dances and are suppose to have 24-ish songs dance ready by like November 4th so I am getting nervous. They really aren't going to like me when I start calling 10 a.m. dance rehearsals on saturdays and sundays lol. But the kids are great and I love it!
Rebecca, my little sister, actually came and watched me teach dance for a little while and then I deposited her to the techies where they had her help paint a back drop and she even got painted a little bit. She got a boy's phone number and had a good time. So I was really happy about that, pretty she will come back tomorrow when I teach again and if it's for the boy I am ok with that. lol
I ordered clothing tags for my line this year so that is really exciting. here is an example of what they will look like...just kidding guys! The uploader doesn't want to work right now so I will post the image when it's in a better mood.
hmmm.... what else....
I have been spending more time with my mom and it's really fun. I am hoping that we can start working on curtains for my place.... I want a grown up place soooo bad. It's hard for me to change but I know it makes Jason happy and I like it, just different. Bright colors are so much easier for me than natural browns and golds and "warm sand" lol. Anyway.... Maybe mom and I can go fabric shopping when she gets off of work today... I need to get more yarn and get myself busy with crochetting BIG time! I have so much to do! But I love it.
Haven't heard from my dad Eric in a while. Alicia calls me sometimes to tell me how lovely her new boyfriend is, which is great, just whish she would talk to me when she calls instead of letting me listen to them talk. Haven't heard from my Daddy or Veronica either. And I NEED to take Meme to lunch or something. Maybe I can do that today. I miss her so much and even have a present to give her. Maybe she can just come over here and eat.... I dunno.
Gonna pay some bills and go back to sleep.... I have already thought to much for such an early hour.
MISS YOU NAY!

Life is fun... I am teaching dance at central and I adore it!! The kids are so fun and seem to have such a great time. I don't really work at woofers during the week now because I am teaching and also started making scarves and beanies for the winter season. I am really excited about my "line" this year and am expanding my clients so hopefully everything will go accordingly. I will write more later but wanted to write a little before Jason and I go to dinner. CHINESE BUFFET! WHOOOO HOOO!

I have my new baby Felps, cutest thing since God invented baby bunnies I think.
I am super busy with work...all thousand jobs lol
I got asked to join a band and I am gonna think about it. Could be really neat! I start teaching dance at the high school on wednesday and I have a big photo shoot on sunday for the makeup line I am the face of.... lots going on and I am totally happy with that. Jason is still the nicest guy I have ever met, made me pan cakes for breakfast and he doesn't even like them lol.
Our apartment is starting to look like an apartment and I even took of a saturday at work OH MY GOODNESS! I never take off weekend nights lol. But I don't want to look sleepy for my shoot on sunday and I get to hang out with ashley so it's gonna be a really fun day. Lots of creative people in one place is my bag.
Hope you all are doing well!
jes