Sick.... fun fun fun. Feel's like my head might fall off haha.
Can't sleep. blah blah
Anyway!!!
CHRISTMAS IS 20 DAYS AWAY!
and taylor is coming and I am so friggin' excited about it! I think the dinner group might go ice skating this sunday in Odessa, I think that would be too much fun.
I have been overly blessed with wonderful new people in my life lately.
Liz... love her too much! I find myself actually sulking if I don't get to see her once every couple days. We enjoy Christmas Wine, decorating, talking about rubbish and getting wasted drunk and eating in the middle of the night while watching f*r*i*e*n*d*s... and we wear the same shoe size so that is always a must have when making a new best friend. Just makes life more fun.
Brandy... this group picture is the only known picture of her... she is super fun. Really talented and is always on the none-plan-plan which works out great with me. She dresses crazy and hippy-ish and I love it. She really inspires me artistically as well as motivationally
then there's Rusty. You just have to love rusty if you meet him. He is pretty convinced that he is the joker but that's ok cause I still wanna be the little mermaid when I grow up. Russ lives upstairs from me and can eat more food than anyone I have ever known in my while life. He is an insanely great person and knows a lot of Frank Sinatra songs.... he also helps me take the puppies potty late at night when I have been watching too many scary shows.He is a UPS guy for all you girls out there with a fetish lol ( every time I see him in his uniform I can't help but think about the bend and snap part of legally blond hahaha love it!) He is also a really great friend to my Jason.... and he helps a lot of people move.. but that's his fault for having a truck.
There are lots more people I am thankful for but for now I am super bored with writing... kinda excited though cause I have to people subscribed to my blog! whoo hoo! that's a hair better than nobody!
I have to work tonight and I still don't feel well so I am gonna try to find something terribly boring on t.v. to make me fall asleep.

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do drugs​tores​ make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store​ to get their​ presc​ripti​ons while​ healt​hy peopl​e can buy cigar​ettes​ at the front​.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​.​do peopl​e order​ doubl​e chees​eburg​ers,​ large​ fries​,​ and a diet coke.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​ do banks​ leave​ both doors​ open and then chain​ the pens to the count​ers.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do we leave​ cars worth​ thous​ands of dolla​rs in the drive​way and put our usele​ss junk in the garag​e.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do we buy hot dogs in packa​ges of ten and buns in packa​ges of eight​.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do they have drive​-​up ATM machi​nes with Brail​le lette​ring.​

EVER WONDE​R.​.​.​.​

Why the sun light​ens our hair,​ but darke​ns our skin?​

Why women​ can'​t put on masca​ra with their​ mouth​ close​d?​

Why don'​t you ever see the headl​ine '​Psych​ic Wins Lotte​ry'​?​

Why is '​abbre​viate​d'​ such a long word?​

Why is it that docto​rs call what they do '​pract​ice'​?​

Why is lemon​ juice​ made with artif​icial​ flavo​r,​ and dishw​ashin​g liqui​d made with real lemon​s?​

Wh y is the man who inves​ts all your money​,​ calle​d a broke​r?​

Why is the time of day wit h the slowe​st traff​ic calle​d rush hour?​

Why isn'​t there​ mouse​-​flavo​red cat food?​

Why didn'​t Noah swat those​ two mosqu​itoes​?​

Why do they steri​lize the needl​e for letha​l injec​tions​?​

You know that indes​truct​ible black​ box that is used on airpl​anes?​ Why don'​t they make the whole​ plane​ out of that stuff​?​!​

Why don'​t sheep​ shrin​k when it rains​?​

Why are they calle​d apart​ments​ when they are all stuck​ toget​her?​

If flyin​g is so safe,​ why do they call the airpo​rt the termi​nal?​

Now that you'​ve smile​d at least​ once,​ it's your turn to sprea​d the stupi​dity and send this to someo​ne you want to bring​ a smile​ to (​maybe​ even a chuck​le)​.​.​.​in other​ words​,​ send it to every​one.​

We all need to smile​ every​ once in a while​.​

HAVE A GREAT​ DAY!

If silence slowly drives me mad
my life is so mundane
every day always ends up being just the same damn thing

I'm not sure why I feel this way
not sure where I get this pain
but it doesn't give the slightest sign of wanting to go away

My insides leak outside of me
in my writing and if I sing
My house has taken the brunt of just about everything

Dishes litter counter tops
they smell as they sit in the sink
But all that I want to do is lay here for a few days

Big things are coming up now
I can feel my heart scream
what do you do when you could lose everything

in considering it

Id overthink

in overthinking

Id act impulsively

with impulse

lies what soon is lost

in losing

you wouldnt dare play fair

in fairness

you stole my heart

but with tact

I stole it back

maybe next time

we will be smart enough

not to consider it.

I'm sad.
I want to go and see Nay... laugh and cry and just be. I really shouldn't have eaten my veggies when I was little.... mom was right, you will grow up. And sometimes I still feel like a scared little girl hiding in the closet watching the rest of the world living safe from my little crack in the door. Sometimes I want my mommy to come in and rub my back and make everything better.
Something is missing and I dont know what it is. But I'm not happy and I just want to smile..

scarcely moved from the spot Ive been sitting in, for going on 8 hours now ...

once, I was sitting here contemplating the sounds

now, I contemplate the lack there of



when the music stops playing

my mind stops reeling

or maybe it reels on so quickly that I cant interpret a single thought



I am as still

as I ought to be

in times like these



I peer down the alley way

a man half buried in our dumpster

frantically pulling at left-overs, long rotten, long sour

and I am long gone, long, long, long, gone



I see it every day

but now when he is so close

I am so affected

and I am so affected

that wouldnt you know, I go numb

and I feel nothing



I just exist

and the idea of existing ... where I swore I was hungry

and this man is devouring my left-overs ...



to exist in that ... would kill me

if this disassociation hadnt already done so



someone is laying on their horn outside my window

and yet, I am able to muffle it

and no, Ive never an idea of how or why

I dont laugh or cry

when just last night

was I not, but a child again?



carrying on and on about departure



carrying on and on about that insatiable hunger within



and you were right to say we will change with the mornings



and you were right that impermanence suits life best



and I was right to hold on so gravely

because with morning Id take all that love you gave me



and keep myself alive out here.

So.... things have been really interesting lately......
Felps and Febe have been doing better and better.... Got some really great pictures of little mr.'s first bath. He didn't like it at all.


He has been a lot more loving which makes him much more of a joy to jason and I.... we can actually love on him without him biting our nose n' stuff...
Renae and I had the best day ever the other day.... we decided it was the best/worse idea we have ever had and went on the none plan/plan... we were at work all night... she was working and I wasn't. I had like a million martini's which is never a good idea. Then she came over and we accidentally stayed up all night drinking wine... just she and I. Jason went to bed hours before but the sun just magically came on. Then we went outside and I decided we should go to the lake because I hadn't gone swimming one time the whole summer and I was betting that monday was the last amazing hot day we had left. So we went to the wal mart where we were totally distracted by the rock band display. After taking 15 minutes trying to figure out how to make that thing work we went to get sunscreen (only good idea i had all day) and made friends with one of the wal mart workers. Then we went to the town and country and got ice and headed to the lake. It was the most fun I have had in a long time. We stayed out there until about 5 and came home. It was the best!
Can't wait to get a tent and camp out with her before she moves. it's gonna be so much fun

So I added a few new places to visit while your out. There on the left where the link to tay's blog is. I am now the face of two buisnesses! Let's face it and science and sanctity clothing line! I love the image on the science page... it's so peaceful. One the makeup site I am the opening page and have a million in the gallery. I recently shot for a new reality show that is coming out next year. I have no idea what the name of it is but I know it's about motorcycles that have been re-done to look like old 40"s fighter planes. It's totally classy. I haven't got the site for that yet but when I do I will add it to the list.
My birthday is coming up and I am kinda excited about it. Febe's birthday is today- she is 2 years old.
Other than that nothing much is happening. About to start on a painting I was commissioned out of arizona to paint and I can't wait to nock it out so I won't have to think about it anymore.
My dad E gets home soon and I am excited to have him around.
love you all
jes

Wow I'm up early! And I don't teach or anything today and I am already up.... and have been for over an hour. Nice haha
I hope today is a wonderful day, I can feel that is has already started out wonderful. Got up, took the babies out, fed them, paid rent and bought something I don't really need online. I always seem to be doing that and Jason hasn't killed me yet so I imagine I will continue to do it.
My dance class is going well, though they are only through 2 and a half dances and are suppose to have 24-ish songs dance ready by like November 4th so I am getting nervous. They really aren't going to like me when I start calling 10 a.m. dance rehearsals on saturdays and sundays lol. But the kids are great and I love it!
Rebecca, my little sister, actually came and watched me teach dance for a little while and then I deposited her to the techies where they had her help paint a back drop and she even got painted a little bit. She got a boy's phone number and had a good time. So I was really happy about that, pretty she will come back tomorrow when I teach again and if it's for the boy I am ok with that. lol
I ordered clothing tags for my line this year so that is really exciting. here is an example of what they will look like...just kidding guys! The uploader doesn't want to work right now so I will post the image when it's in a better mood.
hmmm.... what else....
I have been spending more time with my mom and it's really fun. I am hoping that we can start working on curtains for my place.... I want a grown up place soooo bad. It's hard for me to change but I know it makes Jason happy and I like it, just different. Bright colors are so much easier for me than natural browns and golds and "warm sand" lol. Anyway.... Maybe mom and I can go fabric shopping when she gets off of work today... I need to get more yarn and get myself busy with crochetting BIG time! I have so much to do! But I love it.
Haven't heard from my dad Eric in a while. Alicia calls me sometimes to tell me how lovely her new boyfriend is, which is great, just whish she would talk to me when she calls instead of letting me listen to them talk. Haven't heard from my Daddy or Veronica either. And I NEED to take Meme to lunch or something. Maybe I can do that today. I miss her so much and even have a present to give her. Maybe she can just come over here and eat.... I dunno.
Gonna pay some bills and go back to sleep.... I have already thought to much for such an early hour.
MISS YOU NAY!

Life is fun... I am teaching dance at central and I adore it!! The kids are so fun and seem to have such a great time. I don't really work at woofers during the week now because I am teaching and also started making scarves and beanies for the winter season. I am really excited about my "line" this year and am expanding my clients so hopefully everything will go accordingly. I will write more later but wanted to write a little before Jason and I go to dinner. CHINESE BUFFET! WHOOOO HOOO!

I have my new baby Felps, cutest thing since God invented baby bunnies I think.
I am super busy with work...all thousand jobs lol
I got asked to join a band and I am gonna think about it. Could be really neat! I start teaching dance at the high school on wednesday and I have a big photo shoot on sunday for the makeup line I am the face of.... lots going on and I am totally happy with that. Jason is still the nicest guy I have ever met, made me pan cakes for breakfast and he doesn't even like them lol.
Our apartment is starting to look like an apartment and I even took of a saturday at work OH MY GOODNESS! I never take off weekend nights lol. But I don't want to look sleepy for my shoot on sunday and I get to hang out with ashley so it's gonna be a really fun day. Lots of creative people in one place is my bag.
Hope you all are doing well!
jes

We are getting "Austin" but we are going to name him Phelps like Michael Phelps cause he has such goofy little ears lol I am so excited to get him! We are sending in our deposit tonight and we think we are going to pick him up in 2 to 3 weeks.
I hope to have a puppy shower for him about a week before we get him. I will send out invitations asap as soon as we figure out exactly when we are going to get him. He is living right outside of Austin so when Jason and I go to visit his family we will swing by and get him. I'm already completely obsessed! I cried when I got the new pictures about 15 minutes ago.

He looks a little bigger than I thought was but I don't really care cause I already have my heart set on HIM. He is only supposed to be about 4 pounds full grown, right now he is one pound and six ounces... I hope febe gets along with him. I think she is gonna be really freaked out when a little mr. rolls into her crib but she should be ok. We babysat a pom for about a week once and they became friends farily fast...
ok I will end with some pictures... I AM SO EXCITED!

This is Austin and I am in love with him... according to the family he is currently with he is a very frisky and lively little fella and the best part is he is in texas! I would love for him and Febe to have a litter one day...little skunks lol
Just wanted to keep everyone updated.. Daddy Eric I know you read this like every day so I need your expert opinion!
xoxoxox
-me-

I have been searching for a little boy pom for a while now... I had originally located on in like south carolina or something but the breeder hasn't responded back in a while and I decided I would rather be able to pick my new little one up like I did when I got Febe. So there are a few challenges I have been facing, like locating a puppy that won't be any bigger than five and a half pounds... Jason and I would both prefer him to only be four and a half pounds but you never know with a pup.
I sent out a ton of e-mails last night and haven't really gotten anything promising back except my friend Melanie asking if I wanted to buy her Futon lol. So I am keeping my fingers crossed... please pray for our tiny family ya'll !! It's gonna be growing and I think Jason and I decided to name him Phelps.... I like Phelps or Tango... like Bravo, Tango...ect.... just thought it was neat.
this is one of the little guys we are looking at right now... waiting on a response from the breeder... Jason would like a red headed one and I think that would be great but I also know I would love any of them that we got...

I have been lucky enough to experience love in so many ways.
My family
My boyfriend
My friends
My puppy
My life....
I am surrounded with love on a day to day basis and sometimes I don't take the time that I should to acknowledge it. I am the oldest of 5 children who love me, have 2 wonderful parents and an amazing step dad. Eric (my step dad) called me at some point and left me a voice message that I just got today. He is so amazing. He has healed my family in so many ways it's insane- things that I never thought would be possible have come together with his help and I wish he could look into my heart for a second or two to feel the love I have for him. He makes my mother happy and all of us love him. Thank you Papa E.
I get to get up everyday and do as I please- create anything I wish- go anywhere I like.... I live in a beautiful world and I don't appriciate it like I know I should. My life is a good one even though I'm not yet at the place I would like to end up at.
I just wanted to share how blessed I am.

"more than anything, more than life...." Happiness.... what is it really? Will one ever be completely happy EVER? I doubt it seriously. As a child I remember thinking how wonderful adults had it, they could do what they wanted, when they wanted..... it's not wonderful. It's an odd thing to accidentally see how miserable you are.... just wake up one day and look in the mirror and not recognize who you are anymore. It's even worse for someone close to call you out on it. However the worst part is that you have absolutely no clue why you're unhappy, no clue how to fix it but your terrified of making a wrong choice and making the situation worse.... Could be San Angelo, could be not being able to use all my talents, could be from working at the same place for 4 years, could be my boyfriend... I just want to be happy..... I would even settle... something I said I would never do... I would like to be at lease ignorantly happy with my life, but im not.
It's not so easy lovin' me
It gets so complicated
all the things you gotta be
everything is changin
but your the truth
i'm amazed by all your patience
all the things i put you through
when im about to fall
somehow your always waiting
your open arms to catch me
your gonna save me from myself
my love is tainted by your touch
other guys have shown me aces
but you got that royal flush
i know its crazy everyday
well tomorrow may be shaky
but you never turn away
don't ask me why im crying
cause when i start to crumble
you know how to keep me smilin
you always save me from myself
I know its hard
but you've broken all my walls
you've been my strength, so strong
and dont ask me why i love you
it's obviouse your tenderness to make me
a better woman to myself
your gonna save me from myself

So latley I have been so completely depressed....with no obvious reason as to why. Something is terribly wrong in my life and I can't figure out what it is. I hate feeling stuck and that is an overwhelming feeling right now.... so stuck here in this town and I hate it. I have been gaining weight and feel fat, my house is never clean, I dont have a kitchen or a bath tub, just things.....little things that all eventually add up to one big giant grump. However, I applied to an apartment yesterday and found out today that I got approved.... so maybe having my own place would make me a little happier.... I just hate feeling this way.

Though it's VERY graphic, I loved it.....I want to be them. lol
In a way it's not fair....I want to live like they do, dress like they do and laugh like they do. Watching those 4 ladies on the big screen makes me want to work harder for what I want. A happily ever after. I want my happy ending....I want to sleep in pearls and drink cosmos with close friends. But really, I have no close female friends. The ones I do have I rarely see. Makes me sad really....even just trying to call some of my girlfriends to get a group together to go see the movie was difficult. Belle went with me along with my sister Tessa....it was fun, but I want the closeness that they had.
Anyway...I need some power heels....some monolo's or something. Heels that I can put on and feel like I could do ANYTHING. Shoes have that type of power over a girl and I want that kind of power.

A happy fathers day to my dad's Eric and daddy

When I was in San Antonio a photographer took images of me shortly after I found out that my grandmother had passed away.... These images are so amazing to me because they show how I felt inside at that very moment in time. She captured me so perfectly that these images almost brought tears to my face because I can feel the emotion leaking out of them even now that I look at them. I will keep these images with me always, they represent a transformation for me.... me seeing the world for what it really is and how fast it can all be gone. I hope that one day I will be just like her.... just as graceful as she was... in everything that she did.

I just wanted to share them with you all... actually Taylor and cooper...pretty sure you two are the only ones that read this...

Its been a while since I posted images....
Here are some from L.A.




those were all by danny luna



those were by robert alvarado







those were david hickey

mikawa photography




RC photography

TEXAS PHOTOGRAPHER'S WORK


LARA images

that's not me...it's a dress/gown I made out of a phone book
AND now I am tired of uploading images.....so enjoy these and I will post more in like 15 years
xoxoxox
jeska

There is so much inside of me....so much to give....so much love, so much life....I feel so small with so much stuck inside. Depression comes and goes on a day to day, hour to hour basis. I hold tight to things that I am afraid of losing. Keep the loves of my life close and become fearful when I cannot touch them in a moments notice.
I love that a song can make me cry.....that one song or note can surface such emotion from my soul that my body falls into tears. I love that I get excited when others have amazing ideas, when my ideas feel obtainable and waiting around the corner.
I love the smell of pancakes in the morning even though I never eat more than one and hate syrup.
I love sleeping in, snuggling with someone that trully loves you and will be there with you through anything & everything.
I love the smell of rain, the way it gives the world hope by washing it clean & letting it start over fresh and new.
Sometimes I randomly spout things out...not even sure if they make sense and I love it too.
I have no idea what I am doing right now....no clue where I am headed....I feel like I need to make some choices soon but it's too scary so I just keep doing the same shit everyday and don't change. Which then leads me to being sad....it's all an evil circle.
My bedroom is dirty and I don't even try to clean it...what's the point? I don't really see one. I guess I put way too much faith and realisticness into symbolism. When i'm upset I don't care for anything in my life to be in order at all...it actually pleases me to be surounded by things that represent what I'm feeling inside. I can't wait to move.....so many choices to make....

So you all know about my grandmother Jane...the funeral was on Monday and it was gorgeous and sweet. She was the only person I know that had 3 preachers preach at their funeral...the most graceful person we all knew...Jane... the coolest thing that happened was that after it was all over we all went to her house and hung out with all the family for a while and my aunt-joe ann found a note pad with all the grandkids names on it and under mine was 4 words...Jessica-first, redheaded, model and leader... It was a great feeling to know that she thought of me as a leader...made me feel so great and proud.
My week prior to the funeral was exactly what I needed....A few days at mission road studio with all the randomes that comes with that. Milkman and Carly were in from New York and I fell completely in love with them during those few days. Their passion for the industry just leaks from every pore of their body and it's so contagious. We had a great time and I think we created some really amazing images with one another and other people. I want to go and visit them in New York as soon as I can...but that may be a while.

Jane Stahlschmidt passed into eternal life at 12:03 AM, 5-29-08. Her final minutes were peaceful. The pastor was here, as well as Ed, Dale (sister), and Sara (daughter).
That was just in my in-box. It made it very real to me that she is gone.... seeing her name in the in-box just sitting there looking at me....me knowing it wasn't my grandmother that wrote that e-mail and knowing that this will be the last time I see that name there.
I don't really know what to do right now so I'm writing....writing doesn't hurt as bad as talking...I just don't think it's fair...but then i'm happy for her at the same time. She was hurting. Now she's not. And I guess it's normal to feel all the regrets once someone passes away... the "I should have spent more time with her" and "I should have written more" all of those thoughts that haunt your brain. It's all normal...If anyone goes to heaven she did, that woman made me a better person, everyone she met she made a better person.
It hurts right from the middle of my neck to the bottom of my rib cage....an aching.

It's funny how you have so many days where you really don't do anything. You wake up late in the afternoon and just lay in bed doing nothing, just laying there drifting in and out of sleep until you get thirsty or hungry enough (or you have to pee) that you get out of bed. Then you lay on the couch and do nothing, maybe eat, maybe watch a movie and then the sky gets darker and you continue to waste your day....until you eventually fall asleep...to possibly wake the next morning/afternoon and do the same ritual once again. It's funny how I have spent countless days doing just that, nothing and now time is winning something.... my grandmother. It's so weird how she was fine at Christmas, giggling, smiling, giving hugs and telling us that she is sorry she didn't have enough time to get around to making us our christmas presents this year but she will have them for sure next year. Everyone was a little scared but I know I felt like she would be fine. She isn't fine.
It's just an odd feeling knowing that we are all just waiting..... checking our phones for missed calls and e-mails for news. Gas is so expensive it's hard for everyone to always be there with her. My mother is there with her now, I am helping my mom with kids until everything settles down. I am just so in love with my grandmother it literally hurts me. My heart aches...I don't cry as much as I thought that I would and when I do cry I never expect it. Jason has been such a rock for me through this time... he takes such great care of me and helps me with anything he can. Pluss i'm a bit extra emotional with everything going on so I feel so bad for him at times. I'm just not ready. What will I do without my grandmother? Without the person that I owe my creativity to, the person that taut me to crochett, the person that has always been there for anyone that needed help. What will I do? It just doesn't feel right or natural. It feels stolen.
Grandma will be with Jesus though, she won't hurt anymore....I just hate that I know in my heart that she isn't ready to go yet....her heart and mind is still fighting but her body has given up. It's a matter of time...
My daddy came to see me this past weekend. It's so weird to see him so worn down. When you see people a lot you don't notice them age or anything but I haven't seen him in a while and he looks so tired. He has bad skin cancer and a mouth condition. He got dentures when I was about 12 or 13-ish and they didn't fit right so they wore the pallet of his mouth down to about as thick as a piece of paper. He has to has a major surgery to correct it and do bone graphs but they can't do that until he stops smoking for about 6 months, which he hasn't done and it's been at least 6 to 8 months since he found out. And I found out today that he has been diagnosed with emphysema .... which is chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), formerly termed a chronic obstructive lung disease (COLD). It is often caused by exposure to toxic chemicals or long-term exposure to tobacco smoke. I told my dad that I smoke for the first time and that if he would stop so would I. If he doesn't stop he is gonna die eventually and that isn't something I am prepared to go through. I need my dad. Not sure he will though since he hasn't stoped so he can have his mouth surgery yet. I guess I don't understand why someone wouldn't try to save themselves if they had the choice. Grandma Jane didn't have a choice. She never smoked, drank or did drugs and she contracted cancer in her lungs, liver and collin...my Dad can get better and save himself yet he doesn't seem to be trying. It's so difficult to not get angry at.....So hard to keep it together.
I am in love with my familly.....please pray for them with me.

I saw her last week, on a Wednesday. The day of the horrible storms in Brady and Eden, which were very fitting for a setting that day. I planned on leaving early that day to go and see her but before I left I got a phone call from my mother telling me that We HAD TO COME SEE HER that day, which is never something you want to hear from a parent. My grandmother Jane Stahlschmidt probably won't be with us much longer unless the lord decides to save her. Hospice was called in on Thursday, they stoped hydrating her and I guess that means we are just playing the waiting game. It seems so unfair to me though, I know she isn't ready to go yet. I know she is fighting as much as she can in her "state". I guess they have her on so many pills and drops that she is never fully in reality of what's going on. As far as I know she doesn't even know that she is passing, which I don't think is fair but who am I to pass judgment on that. I haven't ever been in that position yet, but I know that if I was passing I would want to know and I wouldn't want to be on anything for at least a day so I could talk to my family. It seems so unfair to keep her so druged up if she is going to pass. I think God should give her just 2 days of something normal. My grandmother loves to write and catalogue things. She should have two days to write everything that she always thought she would be able to write.... letters to her children and future childrens children. The one thing harder than losing a grandmother is watching a mother lose her mother, and I have been watching my mom lose hers.
My grandfather doesn't really act like anything is wrong, not sure if he knows exactly what's going on.... he walks around the house and tells jokes and shows my mom pictures of cars when she tries to find out details about my grandmothers wishes. My Grandfather is angry, and frankly I can't really blame him because I am angry as well. My grandfather finally told my mother that Grandma want's to be burried in Texas so she can be close to her kids. Words escape me now, emotion is too strong, hearts are too full.... Im not ready to burry my grandmother who is only 62. Cancer is horrible.... Kemo is horrible, but God is good. God won't give her anything that he doesn't think she can't handle. So God must think my Grandmother is a really strong lady.
JANE AND EDGAR STAHLSCMIDT-SARAH KATHY JOANNE
SARAH/MIKE/DOUGE-Scott, Ben, Savanah, and the new baby that I can't remember her name now.
KATHY/RON/ERIC-Jessica, Alicia, Zachary, Rebecca, Veronica
JOANNE/ROBERT/SCOTT- Albert, Tonya, Robert, Amanda
From my Grandmother she brought 16 people into the world. 16 people with wonderful morals and great hearts. 16 people that will always remember our crochetted scarves and beanies we got every christmas, our hand made quilts grandma made us when we were babies. How she didn't ever forget a birthday. My grandmother is the rock of my family, she was the one constant through all the hurt we all went through. We knew that we could always go to her.
I remember once when I was a little kid, maybe 6, I was mad at my parents and I had packed my bags. I told my Dad that I was going to go live with Grandma stahlschmidt in Fredericksburg.... After he explained how long it would take me to get there on foot I changed my mind, but I always wanted to be with her and Papa. Every summer we would be there. One summer I had gotten a little mermaid doll and I was playing with her in the front row of church (grandma played piano in church for as long as I can remember) I got my doll taken away because she wasn't decent in church. lol just little things I remember. Her giggle.... man she has the cutest giggle.
I'm just hurting.... not ready to bury my grandmother but that seems to be the reality of what I'm facing. There just isn't ever enough time is there? You always think you have time, but really, time has you.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
I heard that song for the first time one summer while I was staying at Grandma Janes, I had gotten a tape from Chick Fil-A and it had that song along with a story. I don't remember the whole story but I do remember that the man that wrote that song had so much faith. His wife and 4 or 5 daughters had gone on a ship somewhere and the ship sunk, taking his while family down with it. He went on another ship to the spot where his family's ship had sunk and wrote that song. I can't imagine the faith he had, faith like my grandmothers. I can hardly imagine seeing the very spot that you lost your whole "life" and instead of getting angry and hating God, you give it to God and make peace with it. Thats the faith I want, I want it to be well with my soul. And if I am asked to sing at my grandmothers funeral, IF it happens that we have one, I am going to be singing that song.
Jes

So I get a voicemail from my mother, crying and needs me to call her back, which I do my best to do. I call anyone I know that would be able to get in touch with her but she isn't around. I try to do what I can to help in the situation but there really isnt much I can do. I find out that my little brother must think that I am the scum of the earth for whatever reason and is using that as a catalyst for my baby sister to not make bad choices, which always makes ya feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Granted, there was a point in time where I probably didn't make the best choices in the universe but I never did drugs or got pregnant.... and who likes having their past thrown at them- or better yet- thrown at their baby sister. So i'm pissed.
To be completely honest I think I am just angry in general most of the time. When things don't make sense I get so frustrated and angry I could just scream, and sometimes do. All I wanted to do last night was help, and I ended up feeling like a horrible example and the reason that my baby sister is being an idiot. Nice huh? So now I don't know what I will do with my day. I really should go and see my grandmother, this town has a way of sucking life out of people. Taking all of their energy and making them sleepy, depressed, and bitter.

Family, kinda like God I guess. They never really want you around unless they need something. Why would I ever want to have children of my own if this is the kind of insane thought process that is born with them? My little sisters and brother make me crazy and scared enough for a lifetime, do I really need to insure my fate with children of my own?
It sucks really....cause in the end all I really want is for them to make good choices and not do some of the things that I did while growing up. You can't tell them that though. Impossible really, they hear what they want and usually take that information and twist it around to use against you in some superficial argument. In the end, I still love them. Good/bad/retarded/talented/insane/aggrivating- all the different qualities they seem to let you catch a glimps of daily. They are all bi-polar. THE END

I guess I will be moving in August-ish? Not really sure when the exact date is cause.....well I never seem to have real details on anything. I hope to move asap though, I think Jason and I may both have to get 2 jobs for a while in order to do that though. It will be so nice to have my own bathtub lol, isn't it funny that's the one thing I am looking forward to the most? We don't have a bathtub here where we live in Angelo. Just a little shower so I really can't wait to take a bath every day. Also, the closet! I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE A REAL CLOSET! I have never had a real closet.....ever....the closest I had was at my first apartment in Angelo and it was so tiny. lol. I want shoe racks and boxes and everything! I am ready to make this change and make it right this time around.

Really haven't written much in a long time. Now that I am in San Angelo I don't usually have the need to keep everyone updated, as they are mostly stuck here with me. We have small reunions in Wal Mart, Hastings, and local bars.....like ya do. Its a small town. At the moment I am so incredibly driven it's insane. I just got back from L.A. and had an amazing trip, met ton's of super nice people and really got a lot of great additions and replacements for my book (portfolio). I am going to try and make a move to Austin anywhere from 2 weeks to a month-ish. San Angelo is a great place to grow up, but I don't want to be here anymore. It's killing every creative thought I have. I have more to give than this town has to offer, always have, always will. Austin will be a great catalyst for Jason and I to eventually make great choices career wise and hopefully end up doing what we love.

Hello there, just thought I would write for a few minutes since I have so much on my mind. Things have been great and horrible at the same time.

Amazing
=====
1. Did amazing in a runway show for Rare magazine in Austin
2. Going to L.A. in 2 days for fun shoots
3. My one year anniversary is coming up on the 8th
4. I have an amazing idea for a great new online company
5. I got to go to a prom with Jason and had a super fun time

Horrible
=====
1. My grandmother is sick cancer
2. My father is sick with cancer
3. One of my best friend's has had a bad bout with luck latley and things aren't going well for him at the moment
4. I want to move out of this town
5. I'm nervous about L.A.
6. My car insurance is going up
7. I'm always tired but can't sleep
8. I just feel really over welmed

I know that everything will be ok, but I hate feeling helpless and vulnerable. I am ready to get something up and running-- sign with an agency or get my company started...OR BOTH! I need inspiration and there really isn't any in san angelo and I hate it so much. I am really looking forward to laying on the beach in all my glorious whiteness in Cali and just relaxing.... coated in a layer of SPF 3000 I will just let everything go.... I haven't ever seen the ocean so I am looking forward to it.
I'm also nervous about my shoots.... It's something I can't help really... I haven't ever met a photographer that hasn't liked me but I am always worried about it cause I really don't look like a model when you meet me. I look like a normal 17 year old girl until I get through hair and makeup and sit infront of that camera. I just have bad anxiety.
Work is still work, the same place it has been for the past 3 or 4 years, just a few new faces and rules. Crossin' my fingers that I will bank thursday and friday for L.A.
If anyone reads this please pray for my grandmother and my daddy. Also a little boy named Joshua who is 4 years old and has auto immune disease. I am blessed dailey to have my health...I should take better care of myself.
xoxox
jeska

I don't care anymore, this stupid ambition, this life
Why do I keep pushing, and recieving a lie

Ambitions are false and hopes just die
this po-dunk town this wednesday night

Greatness will never actually be acheived
regret will just eat at me

People feeling bigger than me
playing around with my emotion, screwing me

Take your oh so important life and hold it up to mine
But when you die, will you lay there more perfect than I?

Tired of this bullshit, tired of the games
stop putting me off and throwing head games

I can't keep guessing at what you want
foolish I feel with every second your decision took

Sitting here in my living room, just got off of work
My feet feel like rotting flesh, breath is coming short

Situations unavoidable, time repeats still
yet the years creep up slowly and time I can’t kill

People claim the future unpredictable and bright
yet clearly I can see my future on this Friday night

Beer bottle on the table, trash on T.V.
this town is slowly darker, reaping life, killing me

Money makes the world go round, and I spin too fast
should the future burn brighter than my weary past

so far one can fall before they bounce back
somehow I feel that bounce will hit me in the ass

candle burning faster at both of it’s ends
will they reach each other before I make a plan

too many ways to run, but nowhere to hide
vulnerable and scared sitting here tonight

this is not what I invisioned, this is not what I wished
so many things have happened since I’ve felt bliss

Please God show me a path
Please God help me shine

When I grow up I will be happy
I will know exactly what I am doing and wont make stupid mistakes.

When I grow up I will be in love....I will know it's love
When I grow up I will have success and a big house and a family and a nice car.
When I grow up little things wont bother me
When I grow up the skies will always be blue and I will never cry
I will know who my friends are and I wont have to guess

When I grow up I will be famous

I will sing and dance and paint and sew and draw and write and everyone will love it
When I grow up I wont have to worry

When I grow up it will be too late.....
everything I have done and everyone I have hurt will still be there
When I grow up my days will be boring and work never ending
Dreams will always be out of reach and talk will always be talk

When I grow up I will be bored and scared every day
When I grow up reality will sink in
When I grow up skies are gray and I will cry
When I grow up.........